Outside The (Cardboard) Box

Strategery in Brussels

Sun, 27 May 2012 15:47:00 -0500

In perhaps the clearest signal yet that a dramatic change in the composition of the European Union may soon be afoot, word comes that Brussels is now broadcasting a bold, new communiqué to the rest of the globe: We Want You! (to join the European Union). Whether it is Greece, Spain or any other EU member nation who, when faced with the choice of default or austerity, may eventually choose sovereign default and an exit from the EU rather than embrace what some say are the draconian and counter-productive fiscal policies demanded of them, regional decision-makers are brainstorming spot-on strategies to counterbalance the potential economic and social shocks which may result.
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Jose Can You See?

“We do have some members who are struggling to remain on target with respect to what is required,” says Jose Manuel Barroso, President of The European Commission. “To proactively expand our member base is to de-facto mitigate any potential adverse impacts in the unlikely instance of a member who fails to honor the ever-evolving terms of their membership merely in deference to their citizenry’s wishes.”
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Stephen King’s ‘Christine’

“We are taking the lessons learned through this unification process, this grand experiment if you will,” says Christine Lagarde, Managing Director of the International Monetary Fund, “and adapting our responses from both the derived outcomes and the ever shifting political landscapes. In that way we have determined that the fiscal condition we have come to call ‘austerity’ is an insufficient cure by itself and that to truly succeed we will need growth as well. That is why we are embarking on our new program, Grow-Sterity.” And how will Brussels bring growth to shrinking GDPs, declining tax collections and soaring unemployment, all while tightening the proverbial fiscal belt? Your friends at Outside The (Cardboard) Box are glad you asked!
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Herman’s Hermits

“We are determined to strengthen our union through a policy of grow-sterity,” echoes President of the European Council Herman Van Rompuy. We will wage unbridled austerity on those members lacking sufficient fiscal discipline by usurping their national mandates to serve their own self interests, while embracing a much-enhanced definition of the term ‘Member State’ for the purpose of dynamic and multi-dimensional economic growth. No longer will physical proximity to what is essentially the abstract concept that is Europe be required for membership. Our union is a state of mind. We invite all who share our vision to join us for a better future.” And the future of the EU couldn’t be brighter if reports of advanced negotiations with all manner of member-candidates are true.
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The OTHER Korea

Leading the new-member pack is dark horse Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea. “These guys know austerity!” enthuses German Chancellor Angela Merkel. “Their labor costs are extremely competitive and there are no words in their language for ‘social safety net’. What’s not to like?” Kim Jong-un, North Korea’s First Chairman of the Defense Commission, First Secretary of the Workers Party and Supreme Commander of the Peoples Army said “They offered me a Sunbeam toaster oven and an unlimited supply of farm animal porn, so count me in!”
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L. Ron Hubbard-ites

In another indication of the fresh new thinking emanating from Brussels in support of grow-sterity, the candidacy of the Church of Scientology should put all on notice that the tired, old disputes & disagreements of the past are history. “The Pope won’t return our phone calls but these Scientology guys are the future anyways,” says Catherine Ashton, High Representative of the Union for Foreign Affairs and Security Policy. “Seriously, they like OWN Clearwater Beach, Florida which I’ve always wanted to visit, and they do an amazing job of indoctrination on their members, which is something we can definitely learn from. And they’re like all about aliens, which is a whole ‘nother growth opportunity for the EU!”
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I Come From A Land Down Under

Ironically, EU envoys received anything BUT a chilly reception during their recent membership run to Antarctica. “It turns out that there aren’t actually any countries there so we’re in a race to annex the entire continent before someone else gets it done,” says Mario Draghi, President of the European Central Bank. “After all, treaties are MEANT to be fluid, dynamic, living, breathing, uh, changeable things….At least as long as it suits us.”
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How Kimo-sabe?

Less warm to the notion of EU Membership was the Boise Forte Band of Chippewa situated in Minnesota’s northeast Arrowhead region. “We’ve got a casino, a golf course and a marina on a big lake. What’s the EU going to offer us?” queried the local Tribal Chairman. “We’ve got bingo fer-krise-sake!” he adds.
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Faceplant

In another aggressive move, the EU is offering member-nation status to Facebook impresario Mark Zuckerberg. “We wanted to get ahead of the curve on this one,” said Nicolas Sarkozy, former President of France. “After Eduardo Saverin renounced his U.S. citizenship to avoid tax liability from the Facebook IPO we realized a whole subset of previously untapped prospective EU members exist. These guys can put the ‘grow’ in grow-sterity.”
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Sodomistan

“For a brief moment this looked really, really promising,” says former IMF Managing Director Dominique Strauss Kahn. “It was plausible. Seriously. It happens. A break-away republic in Eastern Europe looking to tie-in with the EU? Sodomistan sounds like a real place. I mean, who can keep up with all the shenanigans over there? They rise & fall like, um, something or other. All the time. Anyways, it turns out this was just a prank by that guy from Borat. I was going to be the Special Envoy, maybe even the Secretary of Foreign Affairs….although they nixed my proposal for Minister of Forced Copulation. I don’t know why. We’re doin’ it to the Irish and the Greeks and a whole bunch of others after all….”
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As events continue to unfold in Europe, your Outside The (Cardboard) Box News Team will stay on this story like stink on shit to keep you up to date with the latest breaking news!
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OTCB: We make it up, you decide!

Levi Johnston's Favorite Baby Names

Thu, 03 May 2012 12:38:00 -0500

Always one to go off half-cocked, Levi Johnston (aka Snooki of the North) announced with galpal Sunny Oglesby they would be naming their baby daughter after firearms manufacture Beretta. The money quote from impending mom Sunny during their interview on Inside Edition: “We were out at the cabin for like, four days, and forgot the birth control.” The resulting spawn is to be named Breeze Beretta. Your friends at Outside The (Cardboard) Box have briefly choked back our rising bile long enough to bring you Levi Johnston’s Top Ten Favorite Baby Names!
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10. Trigger
It’s ‘weapons chic’ and sounds enough like Tripp to keep the Palin-connection gravy train rolling along. When queried, Levi asks “Who’s Roy Rogers?”
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9. DriveBy
“It’s totally gangsta,” proclaims Levi “and sounds way cooler than ‘Road Hunting’.” Although ‘Drive By’ was nixed by Sunny as being too masculine for a girl the name has not been ruled-out for a future male child, which is just another trip to the cabin away….
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8. Lookatme
“I wanted a name that says look at me so, um, that seemed the most logical,” says Levi. Adds Sunny “We-crave-attention-but-have-nothing-to-offer was like way too long…”
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7. Hunter Bitch
“I have a buddy named ‘Hunter’ and have always thought that was cool but it’s a boy name so adding ‘Bitch’ makes it feminine and it’ll make an unbelievably amazing Twitter name…”
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6. Katnip
“I really liked ‘Hunger Games’ and Tweeted the bow hunting girl inviting her to the cabin….” says Levi. “Her name was ‘Katnap’ you moron and don’t you even THINK about bringing that slut to the cabin” interrupts Sunny with a somewhat annoyed punch to Levi.
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5. Dough
“So I started thinking about ‘Doe’,” says Levi, “since I like deer hunting. And then ‘Doe’ reminded me that I like cash but it turns out the spelling is different. It’s weird. The spelling for cash I woulda thought was pronounced ‘duff’. Anyways, it’s cool because it’s like hunting AND money.” Adds Sunny, “And it’s like baking and stuff too!”
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4. Leveethra
“It’s just got sorta a ring to it,” says Levi. “Another play on my name was ‘Jordache’. Get it? It’s a type of blue jeans they sell here at the co-op and my name is a type of blue jeans too.HAHAHA.”
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3. Lyme
“This works on so many levels,” says Levi. “Lot’s of celebrities are naming their kids after fruit. We like ‘Lyme’ cause it’s citrus-y AND outdoorsy and I think it captures me and Sunny’s true spirit. You know, what makes us, uh, tick.”
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2. Palin
“Palin has just been a tremendous windfall for me,” says Levi, “and I think it would be good luck for our baby.” Adds Sunny, “I’m not a huge fan of this one but I get what Levi is saying and it’s waaay better than his idea of ‘A.K. Veep’. That was too much.”
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And the Number One Levi Johnston Baby Name Is….
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1. Pink Mist
Says Levi, “it’s girlish and, uh, misty while still telling people “Don’t fuck with me or I’ll stalk you with my deer rifle!”
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Related Link
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OTCB: Faux News with absolutely no use!

Blind Chinese Dissident Seeks To Leave Country

Thu, 03 May 2012 10:34:00 -0500

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Breaking News
Blind Chinese dissident Chen Guangcheng has expressed his desire to leave China but can’t find the door. Exacerbating his frustration, Guangcheng keeps bumping into furniture he claims has recently been rearranged. Concerned for his welfare after repeated falls over a particular ottoman, Chinese officials have tied him to a chair for his own safety.

Related Link

Late Breaking Update: U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton suggests Guangcheng turn on the lights in his apartment to help navigate the furnishings. More as it becomes available.

OTCB: We make it up, you decide!

Egyptian Spring 2012

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 13:31:00 -0500

I was sorely tempted to take down my last essay. It wasn’t funny and to me just came across as pissy which, I’m sorry to say, pretty aptly describes me these days. The financial crisis that started me writing a satirical blog a few years ago has continued unabated, effectively unaddressed, entirely unresolved and, in my opinion, been dramatically exacerbated. The MF Global thing was merely the latest ice pick in my eye. The stench at the highest levels is overpowering. Thusly burdened, I’ve struggled to stay amused and, thereby, amusing.

We had such a nice warm spell in March. I actually went ice fishing wearing shorts and a t-shirt – it was 78 degrees! That gave me a lift to the extent I briefly toyed with the notion of promoting (satirically speaking of course) a new reality show starring the pregnant Nicole Polizzi (aka Snooki ) titled “My Little Retard”, which would follow the ups & downs in the daily life of a young, single mother struggling to maintain a club hopping lifestyle while saddled with a child suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome back at the ranch. But this was just too depressing to contemplate. And then it freaking snowed a foot. Ugh. Total buzz-kill.

And then I was inundated with headlines & pics about Kanye & Kardashian, uh, dating. OMG. Projectile vomiting IS a normal reaction in this situation. Please. Go. Away.

So it was with welcome relief that I saw the recent headline: “Man Mistakes Girlfriend for Hog, Shoots Her”. Having established that the victim would survive the unfortunate hunting accident, I was free to chortle over the obvious snide queries: “Was it her coarse, bristly coat or her feral tusks that caused the mistake?” Or perhaps the more intrusive “Does she squeal with delight during intimacy?” But alas my amusement was quickly beaten down by the latest grimness emitted from the eurozone. It was small consolation that the snow had melted.

But you can’t keep a good man down for long and here come the Egyptians to boost me out of my slump with their latest legislative initiative: Sex After Death. Given that the parliamentary debate centers on legalization of the practice of Egyptian men having sex with their dead wives, I think it’s a safe bet this is pretty widespread over there. Those little cadaver-fuckers are a hoot! If you ever thought “we’re all alike in God’s eyes,” this should be a helluva wake-up call for you, you dreamy moron. From a legislative standpoint, a comparable topic in the U.S. might be the use of pot. Although it’s not legal, lots of people do it and it’s fairly widely accepted. Extending the analogy, I suppose that Egyptian mortuaries are like medical marijuana dispensaries, albeit with significantly more refrigeration. Suffice to say, things are very different, radically different even, between our, um, allied societies.

To briefly opine on this legislation, I think it’s terribly unfair that it only pertains to female corpses. It would seem to me that the widows could get significantly more use out of a stiff spouse. And the whole afterlife disparity in that culture is really unfortunate. The guys die and get 70 virgins in heaven for eternity while the girls only get banged by their husbands until they’re too decomposed to put out. No foreplay. Not even dinner & drinks. It’s not right. I think they should start an Occupy The Crypt! Al Jizeera will report on the uprising…..

- sigh - I’m sorry. It didn’t work. I’m still pissed. We are so fucked.

Hard Times

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 15:01:00 -0600

“Look how we live, an’ wheer we live, an’ in what numbers, an’ by what chances, an’ wi’ what sameness; and look how the mills is awlus a-goin’, and how they never works us no nigher to onny distant object-‘ceptin awlus Death. Look how you considers of us, and writes of us, and talks of us, and goes up wi’ your deputations to Secretaries o’State ‘bout us, and how yo are awlus right, and how we are awlus wrong, and never had’n no reason in us sin ever we were born. Look how this ha’ growen an’ growen sir, bigger an’ bigger, broader an’ broader, harder an’ harder, fro year to year, fro generation unto generation. Who can look on’t sir, and fairly tell a man ‘tis not a muddle?” Charles Dickens, “Hard Times”
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Max Abelson’s exploration of the hard times facing the lower rungs of our Financial Overclass is nothing short of revelatory. The article posted on the Bloomberg website February 29th can be read in its entirety here. The OTCB team was frankly surprised to learn of the ongoing struggle and hardship being endured by these frugal, contributing members of our society. Some details brought to light in the Abelson column we found particularly noteworthy:
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Andrew Schiff, director of communications and marketing at Euro Pacific Capital (and brother to the more famous Peter) said “the $350,000 he earns…doesn’t cover his family’s private-school tuition, a Kent, Connecticut, summer rental and the upgrade they would like from their 1,200-square-foot Brooklyn duplex.” Only 1200 square feet? Are you kidding me? Our outhouse is bigger!
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Real-estate investor and hedge-fund manager Richard Scheiner spends $17,000 per year on his labradoodle (Zelda) and bichon fries (Duke). The expenses include daily dog walking fees at $34 per outing. Ouch! That’s a bitch! But who has time to actually walk their dogs? On a side note, it appears that an enterprising dog walker could pull down in the low six figures. That has us wondering if University of Phoenix offers any curriculum in this field. We’ve been looking for a fresh start. This could be absolutely awesome!
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And briefly back to Schiff, who exclaims “I don’t have a dishwasher. We do all our dishes by hand.” OMG! Dishpan hands! NOOOOOOO! Somebody call Madge! This in particular struck a chord with all of us here at the OTCB Global Headquarters Shed. We use biodegradable paper plates for that very reason.
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Anyways, while the Abelson/Bloomberg column was enlightening, we didn’t really feel any true insight was being offered into the myriad hardships being experienced by the massively wealthy. Sure, compared to average American incomes Schiff does pretty well at $350k. But frankly he can’t even afford to own a dog at that level, let alone groove on any Net Jets action. As a result, OTCB has sought out (or at least dreamt-up) some more affluent subjects to inquire as to what hardships they are experiencing due to the ongoing Modern Economic Depression.
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According to ABC News, financial titan/vampire squid Goldman Sachs’ earnings fell 58 percent in the last quarter of 2011. Partly as a result, Goldman Chairman & CEO Lloyd Blankfein has, like many other super-wealthy folks, fallen on hard times as well. Back in 2006 Blankfein received over $54 million in total compensation. More recently his compensation has dwindled to a paltry $8 million or so per year. So how does such a formerly high flier adjust to an 85% pay cut? Blankfein tells us how: “Fortunately the Company picks-up a lot of my travel expenses as I do like to fly private, require a fair amount of personal security after that whole vampire squid thing came out and I’m not really into mass transit. That said, I have still felt a bit of a squeeze given what is being called the new normal. In terms of my personal expenditures, I’m giving up suppositories and other collateral expenses related to my backside. Doing God’s work is a strain and my rectum reflects that. All-in, it’s been roughly a six figure annual anal expense for me but, as you’d likely expect, I still don’t give a shit. “
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Yet another Goldman alum, Henry ‘Hank’ Paulson, was also the 74th U.S. Secretary of the Treasury. A raft of Paulson’s public statements while in office demonstrate the prescience, breadth of knowledge and dynamic capabilities he brought to the job (Source: Wikipedia):
April 2007: The signs show the housing market is at or near the bottom. The U.S. economy is very healthy and robust.
August 2007: Paulson explained that U.S. subprime mortgage fallout remained largely contained due to the strongest global economy in decades.
May 2008: Regarding the ‘credit crunch’, Paulson said he believed that the worst is likely to be behind us.
July 2008: Paulson reassured the public by saying, “it’s a safe banking system, a sound banking system. Our regulators are on top of it. This is a very manageable situation.”
August 2008: Paulson said that he had no plans to inject any capital into Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac. In September 2008, both Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac went into conservatorship.
While Secretary Paulson did not receive much in the way of compensation as head of the U.S. Treasury (nor from his published work of fiction “On The Brink”), he did manage a rather decent payday upon his acceptance of the Treasury post as he was compelled, nay forced, to liquidate his personal holdings in Goldman Sachs. Paulson received the nearly $500 million tax-free in a windfall commonly referred to in Wall Street parlance as Fuck You money. So what is Hank Paulson cutting back on in these hard times? “Not fucking much” he replies, “although I have pretty much decided to cut out peyote. It gives me seriously bad dry heaves and makes me tremble like Janet Reno. It’s overwhelming really. I’m switching to shrooms. Way mellower and no stomach upset. There is some seriously weird shit crawling on that wall…..”
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And still one more Goldman alum, former Senator, Governor and CEO of MF Global, John Corzine has likely fallen on the hardest of times as compared to his other Goldman brethren. Unemployed and potentially facing criminal and civil penalties due to the disappearance of $1.2 billion in customer funds, Corzine has very little to say owing to his significant legal overhang. He merely smiles and asks “Why do you think we named it MF Global, motherfucker?”

OTCB: We make it up, you decide!

Holiday Blockbuster Preview

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 11:33:35 -0600

Just in time for the holidays comes this raucous animated romp based loosely on a 1970 release from Walt Disney Studios and the financial panics of the 1800s. The TechnoCats follows the madcap adventures of a group of financial oligarchs as they lay waste to the European economic landscape.

The Baroness, a Tuetonic feline in the grandest tradition, and her French sidekick Fume Puisse galavant about the continent wreaking havoc and abject misery.

Never before has a Great Depression been this zany!

Joined on the road in Italy by their new sycophant (and former bankster) 3-Card Monti, the pageantry and spectacle of this gala holiday treat is just getting started.

Thrills AND chills abound as the merry pranksters carreen from one cataclysm to another.

Turbo the Mouse is one of the many characters you love to hate as he zooms to & fro across the landscape shouting “Do as I say, not as I do! Do as I say!….”, and my personal favorite: “You need to do more!” I giggle every time I hear that!

If “Risk-on” is the way you roll, then The TechnoCats gets 2 Thumbs-up! An incredible way to wrap up an amazing year, The TechnoCats is coming to a neighborhood near you!

Outside The (Cardboard) Box: We make it up so you don’t have to.

Horsemeat Datapoint Confirms Economy on Upswing

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:09:00 -0600

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(OTCB News) As if the booming stock market is not enough confirmation that “Happy Days Are Here Again”, multiple news outlets are reporting that the economy is SO good that horsemeat will soon be as common on U.S. dining tables as cowhide and tripe: Horsemeat Back On The Menu
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Economists look for improvement in luxury goods sales as a leading indicator in the economy. Given that horsemeat is a rare delicacy usually only available in far away foreign lands, Congressional action to restore horsemeat access to a clamoring U.S. consumer is a clear tell that not only has the economy stabilized but is growing rapidly. “Horsemeat demand is a metric we rely upon heavily. If you compare horsemeat consumption trends to GDP the correlation is astounding” said Winnie Mudder, an analyst at JP Morgan Chase.
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But some researchers say ‘neigh’ to the horsemeat index, suggesting that horsemeat is merely an unfortunate fad. Mr. Ed Post, a talking horse at Citibank takes a dim view of the consumer move into horsemeat. “Don’t eat horses” he says. “It will give you the runs. I oughta know. Wilburrrr!”
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The team at OTCB are taking the horsemeat phenomena with a grain of salt. And a whole lotta gravy….
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OTCB - We make it up, you decide!

Top 10 List of What Might Be Next For Barney Frank

Mon, 28 Nov 2011 16:35:53 -0600

The Honorable Barney Frank, Democratic Congressman from Massachusetts’ 4th District since 1981, has announced he will not seek reelection. A former chairman of the influential House Financial Services Committee, Frank will likely find ample career opportunities as he starts the next chapter in his life. While many of his former Congressional colleagues who have preceded him in the transition from Public to Private Sector can provide all manner of suggestions and contacts for Representative Frank, your friends at OTCB thought we might toss-in our two cents to insure he not overlook that ‘perfect fit’ by mistake. Here then is the Outside The (Cardboard) Box Top 10 List of What Might Be Next For Barney Frank.

Number 10.

Reprise the role of Old Deuteronomy in the Middlesex Candlelight Dinner Playhouse production of Cats

“Meow big boy!”
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Number 9.

Start an Irish-themed LGBT Bed & Breakfast in the Poconos with Chris Dodd

“Would you like some jam on your buns?”
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Number 8.

National Spokesman for The Condylomata Acuminata Society

“We can probe Uranus but we can’t speak openly about Condylomata Acuminata ? That’s
unacceptable!”
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Number 7.

Neel Kashkari’s trading assistant at PIMCO

Kashkari:”Get me some coffee chubby.”
Frank: “Blow me tarp-head!”
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Number 6.

DWTS

We think pairing Barney with Newt could really break some new ground - way beyond the whole Chaz phenom.
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Number 5.

Cage Fighter

Have you seen him scrapping with the Fox News bunch? He’ll demolish his opponents with that sharp tongue! “Grrrrrr!”
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Number 4.

Ethel Merman Impersonator in Vegas

Here’s Ethel & hubby Ernest Borgnine. Are you thinking what we’re thinking? “There’s NOOO business like SHOOOWW business….”
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Number 3.

Write a memoir titled “Legislators Suck!” or “Inside My Beltway”

Nuff said
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Number 2.

Competitive Bass Fisherman

C’mon, say it with us: “Lunker!”
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Number 1.

Naked Yoga instructor for the Kardashians

OMG! Who knew there was such a thing???!!!

(watch the video clip until they take it down)
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OTCB - We make it up so you don’t have to!

Supercommittee Reorients For Success

Sun, 27 Nov 2011 10:32:00 -0600

Washington, D.C. – As their budget cutting duties are winding down with the recently announced and widely anticipated stalemate, sources close to the process are reporting that the Congressional Supercommittee is in advanced negotiations with a large investment management company, possibly Black Rock, to form a new investment vehicle directly managed by the Supercommittee itself. Tentatively named the Supercommittee High Yield Terran Equity Fund (SHYTE Fund), the fund structure would allow its Supercommittee managers to invest in any global asset or asset class where a Supercommittee member/member of Congress/SHYTE Fund investment manager has the ability to directly influence the performance of the asset or asset class through legislative action, or has privileged access to information regarding a particular asset or asset class that would constitute an iron-clad trading advantage.

Reactions on Wall Street have been surprisingly muted. One prominent industry fund manager agreeing to speak on condition of anonymity put the reason behind the relative silence on the Street this way: “It will likely be a long-short fund, which means they can sell an asset to profit from a decline in price just as easily as buying to profit from a rise. I don’t want my company in their crosshairs for a short. They can legislate me right out of existence and make money while they do it.”

Indeed rumors abound that all of the large money managers are now scrambling to onboard their own influential members of Congress as investment managers. Said one: “It used to be enough that the gang in D.C. could legally use material non-public information for their own investment accounts. And we would sweeten the pot with access to all of the hottest IPOs. Plus extra options. But that 60 Minutes piece may have sounded the death knell for Congressional self-dealing in the markets by raising public awareness. Once we get past the holidays, I expect your average folks are going to start getting pretty pissed. We probably have seen our last overt bail out in this cycle. And the industry stakes have gone way up with the Black Rock thing. A Congressionally managed fund will be a competitive juggernaut. This might be the last train leaving the station for a long, long time and I’m determined to be on it.”

Given the perpetual disarray in the Nation’s Capitol, casual observers often doubt the individual abilities of members of Congress beyond their obvious skill at self-promotion. However those in the know say the People’s Representatives are particularly adept in the investment realm and a vehicle such as the SHYTE Fund could dramatically reshape the investment fund landscape. We sat down with Wharton PhD candidate Evan Kinnunen who has studied the relative market performance of various groups & subgroups of investors. He states unequivocally that legislators are the top of the heap when it comes to risk-adjusted performance.

“When you compare year-over-year performance, it’s not even close. Obviously your individual investors as a group are at the bottom of the return pyramid. Perhaps more surprising is that the typical fund manager barely exceeds the returns of Joe Sixpack, and only if they religiously stick to an index fund approach. Some corporate insiders do well but generally they are a one trick pony; and as a group they too underperform. Then you’ve got your plunger group – big annual returns with the frequency of a comet, subsequently whittled to merely outperform as the intervening years between winners erode the big bet. It’s worth noting that occasionally a plunger will explode in the atmosphere – they mistake good timing for some special insight and essentially double down following a particular windfall. Your HFTs do well but my analysis of various ‘flash’ events suggests that they will shortly be returning to the mean, perhaps even a dramatic undershoot. And of course the trading desks of the big firms seem to do well on an outright performance basis, truly defying probability in terms of speculation. But this is merely misperception. They don’t actually speculate. Rather, the desks are essentially hi-tech bucket shops. They sit on top of an exchange’s incoming order pipe and merely front run the market scalping an order at a time. Members of Congress on the other hand, particularly members of the more significant committees, have an absolutely sick ROI. Analysis of their investment timing demonstrates an uncanny ability to anticipate major corporate announcements, influential regulatory edicts and even geopolitical happenings. Two and twenty would be a real bargain if my money was being run be an influential member of a Congressional subcommittee. “

A senior Congressional staffer sat down with us to discuss off-the-record the potential ramifications of the SHYTE fund and the resulting fears of a new Wall Street arms race as the Industry repositions for the evolving role of legislators in investment management. “The SHYTE Fund, when it happens, and I say ‘when’ as I see it as the very natural evolution of an advanced capitalistic system – it’s the deployment of capital to its most productive use – will put investment resources into the hands of the people most able optimize the returns on those resources. It’s obvious. Legislators make the rules so why not benefit investors directly with that authority?” We asked if that wouldn’t provide a perverse incentive, investment returns as a driver of legislation, as opposed to a more strategic view of outcomes for the legislative process. “What’s more strategic than making money? But at the end of the day it’s all about growth. And the SHYTE Fund with the Supercommittee behind it can really grow – majorly, all caps. Let’s face it. There’s nothing Congress can do about the economy. Or rather, nothing they will do anyways. So why not let them focus on what they do best? Make money. This is the obvious next step. And this will actually make the legislative process more transparent. At least until the SEC-managed fund I’ve been hearing about launches in the spring. THAT will truly be The Sh*t!” (expletive deleted)

In fact numerous off-shoots seem to be sprouting from the SHYTE Fund initiative. One such effort being discussed is the American Federal Reserve Advantaged Income Debt Fund (AFRAID Fund) reportedly to be offered by a certain west coast manager. “It’s a natural extension of our preexisting policy of hiring former Treasury and Fed officials. You don’t need a kashkari to recognize the obvious benefits” said an executive at the firm regarding the fund to be managed by the Federal Open Market Committee. Advertising executives have advised OTCB that preliminary marketing literature has already been presented to the fund managers for the AFRAID Fund. One tag line is reportedly “Be AFRAID. Be very AFRAID!”. We couldn’t agree more.

OTCB – We make it up so you don’t have to!

Editors Note: It’s been an incredible year here at the OTCB World Headquarters Shed. In fact, in anticipation of the Modern Economic Depression Outright Implosion, we have finally completed the migration of our reporting & editorial teams to the OTCB World Headquarters Underground Bunker. But leaving that aside for now, it is truly an amazing time to be a proponent of freedom & democracy in the world. Now just so we’re clear, your friends at the OTCB World Headquarters Bunker are not actually advocating freedom & democracy (lest we become the next victims of a Predator Drone attack). But we definitely ADMIRE those who are out there risking life and limb to advance the human condition.

Congress Seeks Final Extension Of Unemployment Benefits

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 23:30:08 -0500

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An Exclusive Cardboard Business News Company News Brief
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A Hard Row To Hoe
With midterm elections looming, those unfortunate Members of Congress forced to seek their constituents’ support at the ballot box find themselves confronted with the dual burdens of declining public approval and a rapidly deteriorating economic environment. Ever-attentive to the home crowd come election time however, voters’ concerns are being heard loud & clear in Washington, D.C. : “Show me the money!” Hard at work delivering a final extension of unemployment benefits, that’s just what these homeward bound candidates intend to do.

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Help Is On The Way
Expected to emerge from Committee as soon as next week, the so-called “Give Them The Money!” Bill proposes to increase the maximum length of unemployment benefits from the current 99 weeks to a far-more constituent consoling 2,000 weeks. Upon passage in its current form, an unemployed individual would theoretically be able to collect weekly benefits starting from their 21st birthday until the ‘early retirement’ age of 59 ½. Of particular concern to critics is how the Government will pay for a program that, at least on its surface, appears to be a significant increase in entitlements.

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Don’t Do It!
Ron Mastin, Executive Director of the Society Against Congressional Kaisers, Entitlements & Malapportionments (SACKEM) raises just such a point. “This proposal will be impossible to pay for. The Country will fail. And this will happen quickly. Not years or months. It will happen within days or hours of the signing of this Bill into law. Maybe even seconds. Or even faster! Like in a nanosecond. Which is really, really fast.”

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Do It Before It’s Too Late!
“That is just crazy talk” retorts Maxine Waters, California Congresswoman and a vocal proponent of the Bill. “That’s just ignorance, plain and simple. He’s just wrong. Wrong and stupid. And dumb. This will SAVE the Economy.” Adds fellow Democrat and New York Congressman Charlie Rangel, “Right now, none of these unemployed people are paying any taxes. As a result, the Government isn’t getting any money from them. But if these unemployed people start receiving unemployment benefits, then the Government gets to collect taxes on those benefits. See? We need these people to pay taxes. The way I see it, they’re shortchanging the rest of us when not receiving benefits. If we DON’T pass this bill, the Country will soon go broke!”

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An Informal Poll

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CBNC interviewed a wide spectrum of economic, political and cultural ‘Thought Leaders’ for their take on the proposed benefits extension. Their opinions of the Bill, which are as varied as their backgrounds and occupations, follow below:.
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Senior Senator from Arizona John McCain said “I LIKE pudding……”

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Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayer said “I would hope that a wise Latina woman, with the richness of her experiences, would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life.” Immediately thereafter, Justice Sotomayer launched into a spirited rendition of “I Feel Pretty”, conjuring an uncanny resemblance to the late Natale Wood as she twirled and shouted “I am….CRAZY!”

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Chastity spokesperson Bristol Palin said “Levi is such a tool! The engagement is off! I’m back on the market!”

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Bristol’s mom, former Alaska Governor and Fox News contributor Sarah Palin provocatively said “This is the typical Democratic approach. Incentualize – um, that’s a word right? No? Incense? Um, incentivize! That’s it. The Democrats want to incentivize people to stay unemployed. I say we give people an incentive to GO to work. I say we charge THEM when they’re NOT working! Like the minimum wage or something. But the opposite. That will get them off the sofa! Now THAT’S fiscal prudence!”

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Considerably less controversial was the reply from Vice President Joe Biden: “You want me to comment on what? Hahahahahahahahaha….” He was still laughing when we left. A very jovial fellow…..

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Taking a brief respite from writing her eagerly anticipated “Prison Journal” following a harrowing 13 day stint in the slammer, a sober (and far more boring) Lindsay Lohan inquired of this reporter, “What’s the difference between a ‘shank’ and a ‘shiv’? I can never keep them straight.”

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Former Speaker of the House, college professor, historian and author Newt Gingrich said “The Founding Fathers didn’t receive unemployment benefits. You can look it up. That’s a fact. That’s not conjecture or opinion. It’s an incontrovertible fact!” When this reporter pointed out that there was as yet no Federal Government at that time, Gingrich replied “Exactly!”

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Congressman from Texas Ron Paul said “It’s insane! It’s crazy! They’re nuts! This is a terrible idea! This will be a disaster! I can’t believe it! They’ve lost their marbles! We can’t sustain that! This will cause a collapse! They’ve got a screw loose! It’s a catastrophe! I’m sorry, what was the question? “

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From Miami, Florida, where MTV is filming the second season of their extremely popular reality series, um, Jersey Shore, cast member Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino said “Yo. Hook me up!”

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And finally, former President George W. Bush had this to say:

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Outside The (Cardboard) Box: We make it up, so you don’t have to!

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TomOfTheNorth

Ruh Roh!

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 01:26:00 -0500

Sorry to be the bearer of more bad news. And this is really bad.

B A D…..as in…….THIS*IS*NOT*FREAKING*GOOD …..or even….OH*SHIT*WE’RE*ALL*GONNA*DIE* !

I think you’ll admit, that’s pretty bad

Check out the latest post over at OTCB Sibling Blog The Looming Doom:

Apocalypse How?

You SHOULD worry!

The Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 12:29:00 -0500

Only recently made aware that the growing problem of our fellow citizens still growing is now considered a matter of National Security, the Editors of Outside The (Cardboard) Box have stepped to the fore of the National dialogue (championed by First Lady Michelle Obama through her Fat Kids Program) to say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. We therefore state unreservedly:

You’re too fat and there oughta be a law!

Our leaders in Washington have determined those thighs of yours are a criminal offense! Since we can’t yet legislate your fat ass away, OTCB has assembled the best and brightest from our Global Headquarters Shed to pour over every iota of available research in order to develop the Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed.

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As The Greatest Depression Ever continues to unfurl in deliberate and unrelenting fashion, every day fewer Americans are able to afford any ‘nonessential’ expenses. In this environment, even a basic medical insurance policy is increasingly viewed by greater numbers of our fellow citizens as an unattainable luxury, recent healthcare reform legislation notwithstanding. Given the expanding economic hardship, we should not be shocked that leeches are making a comeback in certain medical care networks in lieu of more costly protocols that actually work.
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It is also not surprising then that hitherto emblems of upward mobility (and the average American Consumer’s typical route back to health & vigor) such as a health club membership or, the more frugal person’s alternative, in-home exercise equipment such as a treadmill or the truly creepy Bowflex (with Power Rod resistance) are languishing in unconsumed services and/or retail inventory. Even Chuck Norris – Chuck Norris! – is struggling to hawk his meager Total Gym on late night infomercials as interest in former super model Christie Brinkley is displaced by Americans’ increasing anxiety about their future. Alas, poor Suzanne Sommers has likely mastered her last thigh as Americans ability to purchase such specialized appliances evaporates with their income, savings and tangible assets’ values.
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The continuing economic pain means that formerly popular weight-loss supplements (ingestible compounds engineered to increase metabolism, improve fat ‘burn’ and accelerate muscle growth) are also now out of reach for most of us. For example, an OTCB survey on consumer preferences for vitamin supplements determined that most Economically Depressed consumers’ choice for Vitamin A supplementation was dumpster diving for left-over carrots at their local Applebees.
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Which leaves calisthenics coupled with a calorie-restricted diet as the only remaining option for The Economically Depressed desirous of weight loss and improvements in fitness. Calisthenics offer a perfectly suitable fitness activity for most of us. Furthermore, calisthenics are free of cost assuming you don’t buy new work-out togs to ‘jumpstart’ your health initiative or purchase the ever popular work-out mat to aid you in the pursuit of your ideal body by cushioning your exertion from a hard, unforgiving surface while (more importantly) also providing a portable ‘platform’ for napping. However we Americans are not especially keen on calisthenics. We are conditioned at an early age in this country to experience calisthenics as a punishment without reward. It’s a hard-wired cultural thing and, as such, an extremely difficult psychological barrier to overcome. And it’s our God-given right to eat our fill!
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With these hurdles before us, OTCB has designed a course of action that could, under certain circumstances (none of which actually pertain in any way to this particular course of action) deliver you a body of lithe svelteness the likes of which is rarely seen outside of the Oval Office (unless of course the Sexy Beast in Chief is on vacation, at a Union rally, addressing the U.N., at a Beer Summit or maybe just out having a smoke).

This program was created to meet the two primary concerns of the overweight American: weight-loss should require neither sacrifice nor exertion.

Well breathe easy, Tubby! The Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed meets those expectations with a simple two-step program that anyone can follow.
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This program is not recommended for: nursing mothers; women who intend to get pregnant; women who don’t intend to get pregnant; women who have not yet formed an opinion on getting pregnant; women not included in the preceding women’s categories; men; transgendered individuals; other genders not included in the preceding gender categories; children; people who eat; any humans generally; farm animals; pets; migratory waterfowl; any other species.
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Getting Started
The first step in the Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for the Economically Depressed is to get your appetite under control and to consume only high nutrition /low calorie foods. Excess food consumed translates into excess weight. Therefore, the overweight Economically Depressed individual should avoid dumpsters at Italian restaurants as pasta is a somewhat nutritionally devoid complex carbohydrate (sugar) that is a fat storage ‘enabler’ for your body.
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Ideally, dumpsters at Vegan and Vegetarian restaurants should be considered. Also the dumpsters of ethnic restaurants serving dishes from India, Thailand and other low fat/high fiber diet cultures should be sampled. The variety will further aid you in sating those all too common food cravings. Additionally, your local grocer usually culls the produce section on a regular basis for blemished or wilted produce that still retains high nutritional value. Small amounts of mold and slime are actually not as repellant as one might expect!
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Truth be told however, it doesn’t really matter what you eat on The Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed. You can eat as much of anything that you desire as long as you rigidly adhere to Phase 2 of The Program. That said, OTCB nonetheless encourages our readers to take a sensible and moderate approach to their diet if only to prepare for the day when a really tasty cheesburger becomes a controlled substance. Going cold turkey is a bitch!

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Phase 2
Let’s get to the heart of the program! You may recall that the popular (and now infamous) Atkins Diet required its acolytes to eat an extremely high protein diet as a catalyst for the process known as Ketosis. In Ketosis, your body consumes your onboard fat. While there is logic in Atkins’ approach, the lack of dietary balance in his Program was harmful to practitioner’s long-term physical well-being.
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In The Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed, we suggest you eat a balanced diet with an emphasis on fresh vegetables and grains. However weight-loss actually derives from a process known as Kashkosis. Kashkosis is your body’s natural reaction to reading anything by or about former TARP Czar and PIMCO waterboy Neel Kashkari. The program is incredibly simple: following mealtimes, merely peruse Kashkari’s latest offense at the Washington Post titled “No More Me First Mentality On Entitlements”.
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While superficially this program may appear similar to the ‘purging’ common to those afflicted with the eating disorder known as bulimia, nothing could be further from the truth. While purging is the unnatural act of manually triggering one’s gag reflex to cause vomiting, Kashkosis is a natural process whereby one’s stomach contents actually flee their abdominal confines when confronted with the venal sputum of someone of a certain ilk. Additionally, the strong abdominal contractions you will experience using this program will greatly strengthen your core and define what will soon be your visibly rippling oblique and abdominal muscles.
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Six Pack Super Sets
In developing The Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed, the OTCB team discovered that one may accelerate and magnify the effect of Kashkosis by reading specially targeted passages of the Program’s subject material, whereby an unusually powerful Kashkosis-effect is promulgated. In particular, this passage from the recent WaPo ‘Entitlements’ op ed has proven incredibly effective:

“….bailing out the financial system went directly against our shared beliefs in free markets and fair play. While the vast majority of Americans did not cause the financial crisis, we all had to sacrifice to stop it.”

GACK!

Like me, you no doubt just experienced Kashkosis! Please consult your physician before intentionally triggering further Kashkosis.

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OTCB will periodically provide new Kashkosis-triggering materials as they are developed. Thus participants in The Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed will not develop a tolerance/resistance/indifference to the normal reaction from repeated exposure to such twaddle.
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So let’s all get fit & trim through the benefits of Kashkosis! We’d hate to see you subject to a fatty enforcement action sometime down the road……
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Related Kashkosis content:
OTCB: Extreme Makeover: WaPo Edition
Urban Dictionary: Kashkosis (pending inclusion @ UrbanDictionary.com
Urban Dictionary:Kashkari

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Outside The (Cardboard) Box: We make it up, you decide!
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BP Grasping At Strings

Tue, 08 Jun 2010 02:31:00 -0500

Struggling to halt the gargantuan flow of crude oil from the seabed of the Gulf of Mexico, BP CEO Tony Hayward took time out from his demanding schedule to discuss with Outside The (Cardboard) Box the effect the environmental disaster has had on his life, BP’s plans for the future and his inspiration for BP’s latest approach to stemming the flow.
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OTCB – Thank you for speaking with us.

TH – It’s my pleasure.

OTCB – BP’s initial estimates of how much oil was issuing from the wellhead was laughably low. Can you explain why?

TH – We wanted you to believe it wasn’t a big deal. I mean, if you spill the tiniest amount of fuel in the environment, the tree huggers jump all over you. And that’s bad for our employees, our shareholders and our planet. BP seeks to move beyond petroleum. Specifically, we seek to move beyond THIS petroleum. Dare I say, we seek to survive beyond this petroleum.
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OTCB – You were quoted as saying the spill was likely ‘very, very modest’ and that the spill was ‘relatively tiny’ in comparison to the size of the ocean. Do you stand by that?

TH – With the benefit of hindsight I would amend it slightly. I would say the spill is relatively tiny in comparison to the size of the Universe. In fact it’s even smaller than relatively tiny. Inconsequential. THAT’S the word! The spill is inconsequential in comparison to the size of the Universe.

OTCB – But do you agree that your declared rates of ejection of crude from the well have been ridiculously understated?

TH – Hey, it’s a mile underwater. My binoculars don’t work so good down there. Besides, we’re now capturing 10,000 barrels of crude per day at the wellhead. Our LMRP (Lower Marine Riser Package) Containment System has been a great success and is allowing us to help keep America dynamic and fueled.
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OTCB – At the outset you said the well was pumping 1000 barrels per day. BP has prohibited independent measurement of the flow rate stating that it is not relevant to the effort. Yet you assert that BP is now capturing 10,000 barrels per day and that 10,000 barrels is less than the total daily spill rate.

TH – It’s maybe a teaspoon more that’s spilling. It’s really inconsequential.

OTCB – Yet in your drilling permit application you allow that the well could spill as much as 162,000 barrels per day.

TH – We just like to err on the side of caution. It’s a safety margin and we’re all about safety. I can assure you the current flow is only one teaspoon more per day than whatever the rate was I told you a minute ago. And it’s a really tiny teaspoon we’re talking about here. Seriously. It’s nothing.
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OTCB – You have derided claims that massive undersea plumes of crude oil remain below the surface of the Gulf.

TH – I don’t know that I’ve derided anything. But those plumes aren’t ours. That’s the important takeaway. Those are somebody else’s plumes. Our crude is either still in the well, safely settled on the Gulf bottom being consumed by bacteria or floating on top where it’s easily cleaned-up. Those plumes, well those are going to be a real headache for the responsible party or parties. Shame on them for causing such a mess.

OTCB – How has this disaster affected you?

TH – Oh my. Well, it’s kept me from my family and more importantly kept me from my mansion in Kent. I just paid off the mortgage a few months ago and now I can’t even be there to enjoy it!

OTCB – Have there been any silver linings?

TH – Americans are such inventive chaps. If not for the spill I likely would never have been exposed to your newest sport – Lingerie Football.
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OTCB – Lingerie Football?

TH – Oh yeah. And in fact that’s where I got the inspiration for our latest effort to halt the spill.

OTCB – How did Lingerie Football lead you to a solution to the spill.

TH – Well, I’m watching all of these girls running around and got to thinking about their, um, differences. Then all of sudden it hit me!
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OTCB – So to recap your other attempts at halting the growth of the disaster, you attempted to close the blowout preventer. You then attempted a large containment dome which clogged. Then there was the so-called Top Hat. But you abandoned that for the Insertion Tube. Next came the Top Kill, which you tried three times, all of which were failures. Which brings us up to the LMRP that is now capturing some portion of the spill. So what’s next?

TH – Well like I said, I was watching these athletic girls frolicking around and thinking, you know, of different things, er, challenges that they have. So I returned to my engineering team with my idea. They huddled with Industry experts who have specific experience in dealing with these extreme environmental conditions. The result was we have partnered with Procter & Gamble to develop and deploy our latest attempt at stemming the flow.

OTCB – How did you happen to partner with a consumer goods manufacturer for an extreme industrial project?

TH – Well P&G had developed a product that was actually too, um, powerful for the consumer market but we felt could be scaled appropriately to our needs. Based upon their Rely Brand of Tampon, P&G have developed the B-Pampon, which we feel will revolutionize ultra deep drilling mishap remediation. Frankly, given the number of rigs in the Gulf already, we feel that such occurrences will become much more frequent, perhaps even monthly.
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OTCB – I’m frankly skeptical that this will work even half as well as your efforts that have already failed.

TH –Actually we have a high degree of confidence that, once in place, the B-Pampon will stem the flow. The real engineering problem is the creation of a suitable applicator. We’re sort of stuck on that right now.
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OTCB – You really are a douche bag, aren’t you?

TH – It’s funny you should say that as we actually will have to douche, so to speak, the broken blowout preventer once we get this minor inconvenience resolved.

OTCB –Well thank you again for sitting down with us.

TH – My pleasure.

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OTCB - We make it up so you don’t have to!
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The Bully Pulpit Saves The World

Sat, 15 May 2010 02:55:00 -0500

A Cardboard Business News Company (CBNC) Exclusive
As the dust settles on the latest flurry of worldwide financial gerrymandering, details are starting to emerge on the eleventh-hour machinations required to save the global financial system from yet another of these seemingly never-ending black pits of despair.
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Not unexpectedly, French sources attribute the startling accommodations made in the latest, um, commitments by European Union member-nations, intended to bailout their spendthrift neighbors, to the debonair charm of French President Nicolas Sarkozy. While acknowledging Sarkozy’s unrivaled smarminess, CBNC sources from inside the recent deliberations scoff at the likelihood that this vertically challenged coq au vin could de-pants the likes of German Chancellor Angela Merkel, let alone cajole his fellow national executives, notwithstanding their own urgent needs, into a gang-violation of the very fabric of their union (which, even so, is only marginally an abeyance of their charter when compared to the Bernanke-panky ongoing in the U.S.).
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Rather, sources are pointing to American President Barack Obama as the linchpin in the assembly of support for the recent empty assurances gushing forth from Brussels. CBNC has acquired a transcript from an eyewitness who recorded President Obama making the call to Chancellor Merkel from a telephone booth in Hampton, Virginia where the President was attending a speaking engagement. The President was informed of the crisis while he was having a smoke break, whereupon he immediately strode to the nearby phone booth and dialed the Chancellor directly. The transcript of the President’s side of the conversation as recorded by our source follows below:
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Hello Angie?…..It’s Barack…..No, BARACK…..No, not Duane Johnson……I’m sorry you’re disappointed…….Yes! It’s the President of the United States. Barack Obama….…Yes, your homey!……No..Angie….Angie, I said HOMEY…..Angie, you’re not homely. I find you very attractive.
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Angie, if it wasn’t for the love of my life Michelle, I’d have made a run at you a long time ago….. Hehe, I’m sure you would…..What’s that? ……Tie me up like a strudel? Haha! Don’t tell Michelle that Angie. She’s liable to go all ninja on your ass….
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That’s right. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of those guns of hers!…. Angie, the reason that I’m calling is we’re concerned that this latest crisis over there is getting out of hand…..
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Well, I don’t know nuthin about sodomites but Greece is turning into a big problem for everybody…….I know, it’s a quandary……What we’d like to see is you display some ‘shock & awe’ over there. ……NO! Don’t bomb them! It’s an analogy…..
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Yeah. It’s LIKE Bush did to Iraq that time but instead it’s financial firepower directed at the speculators…..That’s right……Yes. Financial Shock & Awe…..How much? I don’t know. Say somewhat less than nuclear but more than an IED…….Yeah, like a couple dozen cruise missiles with conventional explosives. Say a skosh under a trillion U.S…….I know that sounds like a lot but we’ll supply the, er, weapons if you get my drift……..
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Yes! Exactly. We can get the swap lines going right away. I just have to huddle with Treasury and the Fed……..You’d like to swap what?……Oh! HaHa! I’m telling you Angie, don’t let Michelle hear that! Seriously…….Ok, so what do you think?……, I still don’t know nuthin about sodomites but yeah the Greeks will have to play along…….Thanks Angie. I knew I could count on you! Auf wiedersehen baby!
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Your Cardboard Business News Company news team will stay On Top of this story, lest we get behind!
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Outside The (Cardboard) Box: Go ahead and read it. We’ll make-up more!
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Buffett Admits BN Purchase Was "Brain Fart"

Sat, 20 Mar 2010 20:08:00 -0500

Family granted power of attorney following episodes of bizarre behavior.

OTCB News Brief

The business world was rocked this weekend after learning billionaire investor Warren Buffett has been quoted describing Berkshire Hathaway’s (BRK) recent purchase of Burlington Northern Santa Fe Railroad (BN) as a ‘brain fart’. Berkshire paid $34 billion to acquire the outstanding shares of BN they did not already own.

Sources describe Buffett’s recent appearance at an informal social gathering as “shitfaced, loud and grabby.” Buffett, previously known as a man with a sweet tooth who eschewed intoxicants of any kind, was reportedly yelling “Who’s got the weed?” It was supposedly during this gathering that the market-moving comment was overheard.

This follows on the heels of Buffett’s recent disastrous foray into Heavy Metal rock music which culminated in the creation of this music video harshly panned by critics:

An individual with the production company hired to assemble what Buffett referred to as his “head bangin’ jam” was still incredulous at Buffett’s behavior during recording. “He was clearly self-medicating before the sessions. And he’d wear a wig and this outlandish garb and slur and mumble in a bad British accent. Apparently he fancies himself the Ozzie Osbourne of Omaha. Post-production we basically had to wrap his part with orchestration and back-up singers. Gawd it was bad. Anyways, we were finishing up a particularly torturous set – it was painful – and at the end, Buffett bites the head off a pigeon or something and screams ‘SHARON!’ at the top of his lungs. What a freakin’ weirdo.”

Family members have been tightlipped regarding Buffett’s state of mind but people familiar with the situation suggest that the family has sought and possibly already received power of attorney over the 79 year old market icon’s daily affairs. Buffet, now reportedly in seclusion, was seen standing on a balcony at an exclusive rehabilitation facility popular with celebrities where he waved ‘devil horns’ and made other distasteful gestures to waiting reporters before being restrained and returned inside by attendants.

Investors can expect a somewhat unsettled market on Monday morning as additional Buffett comments are coming to light. Buffett reportedly also made unflattering remarks concerning various individuals at the Federal Reserve and U.S. Treasury and allegedly stated their strategy to combat the financial crisis would ‘blow-up like a love doll at a perverts convention.”

H/T LOLFed

OTCB - We make it up, so you don’t have to!

Musings From TheNorth

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 16:14:00 -0500

Spring has really sprung here in TheNorth. On Sunday the sun was shining and temps were in the 50s(!). As I sat on the little 6 by 10 paver patio at the OTCB global headquarters shed Sunday morning and sipped a mug of Norseman Grog it was easy to forget for a moment that the Modern Economic Depression persists.

Birds were chirping, ruffed grouse were rustling the groundcover just inside the tree line in pursuit of that ‘special someone’, the scent of damp pine permeated the air and, if you listened closely, you could hear the slight remnants of snow being absorbed by the already thawed and somewhat thirsty ground. This is a state of affairs usually not seen here until late April or even May. In fact it’s not all that unusual to see frost in July in Embarrass, MN. So anecdotally, it is exceptionally warm and dry here.

The snow’s exit has been incredibly rapid and its departure has exposed the approximately 8 metric tons of dogshit Mongo deposited in the yard over the winter. Mongo is a St. Bernard and his piles are gargantuan. Judging solely from his excrement, you would expect the beast that dropped these loads to say ‘moo’ or ‘trumpet’ or whatever moose or elephants say. It’s ridiculous. He’s not a dog. He’s a biomass conversion factory with, seemingly, a net gain on the output end. Seriously. By volume, I’m certain he poops more than I feed him.

I considered renting a front-end loader to aid me in the environmental remediation of his yard, however the persistent Modern Economic Depression dictated manual labor. Under normal circumstances, casual physical labor for me is a wonderful activity. It’s always been so. I love being outside and being quasi-productive. There are no deadlines or pressures and no agitated coworkers, bosses or spouse/significant others harshing my mellow. However the de-crapping of Mongo’s yard after a winter of digestive processes that compare favorably with a wood chipper – it goes in solid, comes out somewhat less so – was not actually generating the usual enthusiasm in me that working in the yard typically calls forth.

I donned gloves and the new wildland boots I’m breaking in, grabbed a straight hoe and a square shovel and proceeded into Mongo’s yard. Immediately I considered retreat for a boot change. My initial size-up suggested waders might be a better choice of footwear. I relented on the change for waders as being merely a ploy to delay the project and sallied forth to face the poo.

As I toiled, the process became less visceral and more abstract. I experienced what might be something akin to what an archeologist or paleontologist experience as they discover a specimen revealed by a retreating glacier. Each discovery tells a story. “Mongo, you mouser you” I applaud. “Ahh! This was from that deer carcass they found” I exclaim. By ‘they’ I am now including Mongo’s roommate Molly an Anatolian Sheperd .

At approximately 110 lbs, Molly is practically dainty in comparison to Mongo. Seeing me thusly engaged and being the good working dog that she is, Molly proceeded to make doo-doo in close proximity to my ‘dig’. Unfortunately Molly appeared to have more than a touch of the stomach flu and then concluded the demonstration by dragging her now sitting posterior across the ground for some distance. I took this as an irrefutable signal that it was now time for a break from the task and departed their yard.

Here in TheNorth, birch trees regularly fall victim to some kind of bug or blight and eventually, inevitably fall over. Being the marginally proactive guy that I am, I have been cutting down birch on a 600 foot stretch that parallels my driveway before they fall and block the road. The logs get pieced and split and are used for firewood but the ‘tops’ need to be gathered and disposed of, the method of choice being to burn them in a brush pile. Temporarily liberated from the Mongo project, I turned my efforts towards gathering the leftovers from the 7 or so trees I cut down this winter along the driveway. I used a small cart towed behind a riding mower to transport the branches from their driveway locations to the brush pile I’m building in the middle of the yard.

As I transported and piled brush, the warm sun and dry air stirred my concern that this spring will see more wildfires in TheNorth than past years. In fact, as I finished cleaning up the remainders, I realized that my now two-story pile is likely already too big to burn given present conditions and I may need to wait for a rainy spell for its ignition. This recognition coincided with the knowledge that we may not get any rain and I may already have missed my window of opportunity.

With all of that as a preamble, the gang at the OTCB global headquarters shed has been mulling a renaming of what we like to call ‘The Modern Economic Depression’. We’re leaning towards changing it to ‘The Greatest Depression….Ever’. Motivating us is the accumulating evidence that, 27 months on, economic conditions are not materially improving and in fact continue to deteriorate in a most worrisome fashion.

I view my labor in the yard as analogous to a number of economic policy choices that have been made or ignored. Consider, if I don’t cut the trees before they fall, my road will be blocked. If I don’t clean-up the debris and dispose of it in a timely fashion, my window of opportunity to do so will close. And in the meantime, Mongo will ensure that the shit keeps piling up. There is only one way that these issues are resolved without direct action and by merely passively waiting: catastrophic wildfire. A fire will consume the brush and waste as it consumes everything else.

That strikes me as an unacceptable trade. But given how warm and dry it is already, a fire may be unavoidable and I may be fighting wildfires with my Volunteer Fire Department any day. So I will continue to break-in my new boots. And I won’t drop any more driveway trees for the time being. But if I act quickly, I might still burn my brush if I bring a fire engine over to contain its spread. And now that the snow is gone I can rapidly finish the Mongo project and then maintain it daily until next winter so he & Molly can have a decent and healthy place to live.

These are sensible, proper choices. Which begs the question, who in Washington has the boots on for what needs to be done there? The trees are falling, the dogs are pooping and it feels like it’s going to be a combustible summer across the Nation. My fear is that in Congress there are nothing but tassel loafers to be found.

Happy Spring!

- TomOfTheNorth

Editor’s Note: following the original publication of “Musings from TheNorth”, Mongo the St. Bernard passed away suddenly at the age of 4 in June of 2010. Mongo was a great dog and a loyal & loving friend and he will be missed greatly.

Yves Smith for Dummies

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 14:58:00 -0600

Outside The (Cardboard) Box endeavors to provide our readers with practical information that will aid you in navigating the Modern Economic Depression. To that end we often invoke, quote or otherwise direct you to salient voices offering useful points of view. One such voice is that of Yves Smith.

Ms. Smith (a pseudonym) is a dynamic and insightful Financial Services Industry veteran who writes and edits the influential financial blog Naked Capitalism and who has recently authored a book on the roots of the financial crisis titled Econned. Naked Capitalism is a daily read here at OTCB’s global headquarters shed and we highly recommend it.

However following her recent appearance on Canada’s Business News Network with Reuters columnist Felix Salmon, it occurred to us that Ms. Smith’s pearls of wisdom may occasionally be undecipherable to those who have not worked extensively in finance, government policy nor are graduate students in economics. For example, in the 13 minute BNN interview, Ms. Smith uses the word ‘paradigm’ no less than three times. That’s some weighty verbiage! So as part of our Cardboard Translations Series, we are pleased to bring you the OTCB “Common English Conversion” for Yves Smith.

For this installment of Cardboard Translations, OTCB has culled through the BNN interview for a sampling of Ms. Smith’s numerous verbal “smart bombs” and will forthwith translate them into a more common vernacular. The original interview is here. Ms. Smith joins the anchors at 3:50.

For our part, OTCB will provide an original statement from the interview made by Ms. Smith followed by our precise interpretation.

Yves Smith: The focus initially is on the Economists….and the argument is that the Crisis is actually rooted in bad economic theory.

Translation: Milton Friedman was a shill. They have been feeding us bullshit since this started in the 70s. It became a massively bigger pile of bullshit in the Reagan years. We are now at the pinnacle of the Himalayas of bullshit. Domestically speaking, we’re at the summit of the Mount freakin’ McKinley of bullshit.

Yves Smith: What undergirds all of economic theory right now is the presumption of equilibrium.

Translation: Economist, schmonomist; It’s all bullshit.

(Editor’s note -we just LOVE it here when Yves says ‘ u n d e r g i r d s ’. That is SO HOT!)

Yves Smith: Financial markets have no propensity to equilibrium. They fundamentally have a predisposition to boom-bust cycles.

Translation: Financial bullshit always hits the fan.

Yves Smith: By contrast, if you assume stability, that means that all you have to worry about is efficiency. And all the moves that we have had, that have had the effect of increasing efficiency, have increased riskiness.

Translation: They buried us in bullshit, took all of our money, pissed on us and then turned on a ginormous fan. It’s an unbelievable mess, it’s still blowing and we’re too broke to clean it up.

Yves Smith: People now are becoming increasingly aware of the fact of how much the Obama team, not just philosophically but from a practical standpoint, is hostage to the financial services industry.

Translation: For the first time in history, B.O. and B.S. are synonymous.

Yves Smith: Well the notion that you’ve got a group that has so much influence over policy and yet they’ve wrapped it in a scientific mantle which makes it immune to criticism by normal people…..

Translation: It’s all a bunch of bullshit. And then they wrapped it and put it over your fireplace.

(Editor’s note – we’re not sure if we’ve got this translation quite right. Sometimes even we struggle over some of the brilliant utterances emanating from Ms. Smith. But we are positive about the ‘bullshit’ part.)

Yves Smith: We’ve basically run-out a paradigm that couldn’t last forever……. in fact it was a paradigm that was inherently self-limiting.”

Translation: The party is officially over. Welcome to future generations spent deeply immersed in bullshit soup.

(Editor’s note – observe the double-pump use of ‘paradigm’ in the passage. AWESOME!)

Yves Smith: You’ve got to look at the frame that we’ve had from the 1930s onward.

Translation: They got it right after the ‘30s. We’ve got it wrong. This is some serious bullshit.

Yves Smith: The belief we’ve had in deregulation, and you can argue its benefits to the goods markets, that’s a, that’s a different kettle of fish, but in financial markets its led to increased concentration, because markets have strong network effects, and, uh, the, and, uh also a shift in the structure of the industry away from businesses that had a very safe fee income to ones that are increasingly dominated by trading.

Translation: Felix, in answer to your point, let me say the following: bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit and bullshit. Now let’s go have some fish, split a couple bottles of vino and talk about the goods markets. You’ve got the goods. And I’ve got your market r i g h t h e r e….

Yves Smith: To say that economists didn’t play an important role is just counterfactual.

Translation: Felix, you lying little minx! Why don’t you put on those nerdy little glasses of yours and come on over here and sit on momma’s lap. I’ll show you what I can do with your Laffer Curve…..

We hope this exercise has been helpful and will aid you in gaining greater comprehension and thereby a fuller appreciation of Naked Capitalism and the writings and public utterances of Yves Smith.

Be sure to watch for our next installment of Cardboard Translations where we attempt our most ambitious conversion effort to date: ten-term California Congresswoman Maxine Waters. Our team of translators have commenced the project using the Congresswoman’s recent Subcommittee interaction with Federal Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke and have already unearthed some truly revelatory information. Here’s an excerpt from the upcoming Cardboard Translations: Maxine Waters.

Maxine Waters: The last thing I heard before I came here this morning was a prediction by some of the analysts on television that in about one month we can expect that there will be an increase in interest rates on mortgages and home loans.

Translation: How do I get paid on this?

Maxine Waters: And everyone that I’ve talked to believes that this change that you’ve made in the Federal Funds rate is what’s going to trigger that.

Translation: HOW ABOUT A LITTLE CONSIDERATION PAL? I’M TRYING TO RUN A REELECTION CAMPAIGN HERE!

Be sure not to miss Cardboard Translations: Maxine Waters coming soon.

OTCB – We make it up, you decide!

Support “Old Person Smell" Awareness Week

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 12:24:00 -0600

Outside The (Cardboard) Box reminds you that the week of March 7^th is “Old Person Smell” Awareness Week. Join us in battling this societal scourge so that one day young people will never again be assaulted by that disturbing, musty Old Person Smell (OPS).

The technology to mostly abate these smells has been widely available for some time. However the will to confront this pressing issue has heretofore been lacking. Write your old, smelly Member of Congress. Tell them now is the time to act! This odious crisis has lingered far too long.

Interested in more direct interventions? You can also aid the afflicted through the provisioning of various attractive topical scents, ‘adult undergarments’ with the latest in activated charcoal odor filtering and, most importantly, regular and persistent encouragement of proper Old Person hygiene.

We here at OTCB are also declaring Wednesday March 10^th to be “Take A Smelly Geezer To the Spa Day”, where you might take that unpleasantly fragrant Aunt or Uncle to a Day Spa for a bit of fumigation, exfoliation and restorative essential oils therapy.

OTCB Staff have already booked an appointment for OTCB Editor In Chief (and Smelly Geezer) TomOfTheNorth. While the appointment is not actually for a Day Spa, and it’s not actually an appointment, rather it’s more of a do-it-yourself Car Wash where you just show up and wait your turn, OTCB Staff eagerly await the day when TomOfTheNorth is less impactful on their olfactory senses.

Editor’s Note: I don’t have Old Person Smell! I smell good. Like soap. I use Irish Spring. And I use deodorant too.

Staff Note: While TOTN is not the worst example of Old Person Smell we’ve ever encountered, he definitely has that Old Person funk going on. He’s got a smelly chair too. We’re going to hose him down with the high pressure hose at the car wash on Wednesday whether he wants to or not. It WILL happen. Da Stank is going Down! Y E A H B A B Y!!!

Editor’s 2nd note: You’re just pissed I called you out on that strip club bender where you claimed you were kidnapped. This is so juvenile.

Staff 2nd note: Dude, I WAS ALMOST KIDNAPPED and everyone in the Shed agrees that you stink. So shut up and take your medicine you Funk-o-saurus! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Editor’s Final note: Unrelated to the preceding, OTCB is pleased to announce some long overdue restructuring and staffing adjustments. I am positive these changes will deliver an even better OTCB going forward.

Staff Final note: There will be no Staff Final Note. THIS STOPS NOW, you schmuck! Now go finish that article for The Looming Doom like I told you. Oh. I see you have. I’m not sure I like the title however: Methane Will Burn The Earth To A Cinder . Couldn’t you come up with something a bit more dramatic? - Editor

OTCB - Go ahead and read it. We’ll make-up more!

Scientists Discover Thomas Friedman Wrong: World Is Round!

Sat, 06 Mar 2010 10:04:00 -0600

Scientists from JPL have disproven Pulitzer Prize winning author Thomas Friedman’s bestseller The World Is Flat. Team leader Dr. Daniel Saunders spoke to Outside The (Cardboard) Box on the Team’s discovery.

DS: It’s not a discovery. And this isn’t the Jet Propulsion Laboratory either. This is Jesse’s Papaya Lounge. And I’m no Ph.D. I’m the bartender. And I think you’ve had enough.

OTCB: But you’ve debunked the Friedman premise, haven’t you? <burp>

DS: Well, me and some of the regulars were talking about it. You just heard us. Harry over there, he’s a regular, has just read the book. I read it when it first came out. A couple of the other guys have read it.

OTCB: What did you think of the book? <clink>

DS: Have you seen the movie The Aviator?

OTCB: Oh yeah. I remember hearing how Hughes was a crazy recluse at the end but hadn’t realized how long he’d been goofy. He was messed up. <slurp>

DS: There’s a scene where DiCaprio playing Howard Hughes has a severe episode of OCD at a reception. He starts repeating “The way of the future. The way of the future. The way of the future.” Over and over and over.

OTCB: Yeah. You wanna smack him to the get him to shut the hell up. So? <clink>

DS: If you were to have DiCaprio replace “The way of the future” with “The World is Flat” and extend the scene for several hours you’ve pretty much just heard the audio version of the Friedman book. It was tedious, repetitive and an overall painful experience beyond Chapter one. It would have made a excellent pamphlet but stretching it to book length was just absurd.

OTCB: I’ll wait for the pamphlet. <clink> But do you agree with Friedman that the Earth is flat? <sluuurp>

DS: The Earth’s shape was pretty much determined by the time Aristotle opined on the topic in 300 B.C.E. And by around 240 B.C.E. Eratosthenes had figured out the Earth’s circumference. But Friedman’s Flat World is a metaphorical one. He’s saying that technology is making the world a smaller place and that rapid technological advancements are reducing the effective differences in skill sets across disparate global labor pools thereby expanding and hastening the ongoing labor arbitrage that impels the flight of manufacturing and service industries from industrialized to emerging nations.

OTCB: Whatever. <clink> Do you agree with that? <slurp>

DS: No. Friedman oversimplified a complex system to fit his premise. It was an interesting premise but now we’ve seen what a spike in energy prices does to his model. We may yet get a chance to evaluate what a deflationary spiral does with the concept as well. Therefore I’d say the world is round and may even be getting bigger in some ways.

OTCB: Bigger? <burp> Like inflating? <slurp>

DS: No. It’s another metaphor. Massive economic disruptions, violent natural disasters, sudden resource shortages; these are the types of events that make the world seem a larger place from a local viewpoint. These don’t occur on Friedman’s flat world. But here on the round world, they happen all too often and they readily disrupt those enabling technologies that the Friedman premise relies upon.

OTCB: <clink> Could I get another scotch? <sluuurp> You’re bumming me out. <clink>

DS: Was that Oban? Ooops. McCallan. Sure. You’re really knocking those back. No hurry. We’re open late. As I said, the flat idea was interesting when it came out. I saw a talk Friedman gave shortly after the book was published. It was a pretty compelling talk. Friedman is a good speaker and the idea beautifully rationalized what we were seeing at the time. Now in hindsight we can attribute a lot of what transpired to policies in place at the U.S. Treasury and the U.S. Federal Reserve, and various pieces of legislation passed by Congress. Technology was merely a contributor rather than the driving force.

OTCB: Uh huh. <clink> So I don’t get why you agree with Friedman so much. <sluuuurp> You must be a liberal or something. <slurp> <clink>

DS: What are you talking about? Have you been listening? I just don’t really agree with his World is Flat book now that we’ve seen what can transpire. What else are we talking about? He’s a Pulitzer Prize winning author. He’s an excellent public speaker. He’s a pretty accomplished guy. I give him a lot of credit. That said, I don’t know if he’s cut out to be a columnist. He has interesting things to say, just not enough of them to fill a regular column. You could’ve spotted that in The World is Flat.

OTCB: <clink> Muh huh mmbbrg <clink>

DS: Sorry, I didn’t get that. Another drink? Sure thing. Anyways, I was reading his column in the New York Times earlier this year and he was rambling about the war, the economic crisis, poverty, some other social ills and was trying to tie it all back to Dick Cheney’s mean spiritedness. If that’s not a sign of desperation then I don’t know what is. We’re a year into the new President’s term, the war has re-escalated in Afghanistan, the economy is down the tubes, there’s all manner of other relevant national & worldwide topics hitting the newswires daily and all Friedman comes up with is that Dick Cheney is mean? I almost felt bad for the guy. Talk about a dry well……So sorry for going on so long……Sir? Sir? Are you ok? Sir? Hey Jerry, could you give me a hand? Our friend here is taking a little nap. Let’s get him to the table in the corner and see if a little down time perks him up. He left a digital recorder on the bar. Grab it and turn it off, will you? I’ll put it in his pocket. There. To the left. It’s over th <CLICK>

~ Reporters Note: Radical liberals drugged and attempted to kidnap this reporter to keep our readers from learning the truth about our spherical world.

~ Editors Note: Frankly, we doubt our reporter’s kidnapping story. We think our reporter was merely over served. It’s happened before. He LIKES his scotch…. In the meantime, you might enjoy our sibling publication The Looming Doom. By sibling I mean like the sibling that you kept in the basement and would occasionally throw a pork chop down the stairs for them. Not a favored sibling in the least. No, rather like a mutant, bastard stepbrother with strange, protruding ears and extremely short arms, who has thick, sausage-like fingers and greasy, stringy hair. That kind of sibling….

~Reporter’s 2nd note: My Editor is a POS and should just shut the hell up about stuff he knows nothing about. I was almost kidnapped! And my credit cards were stolen, a $3,000 tab was run-up at Puss ‘N Booths, and then the cards were put back into my pocket while I was still unconscious by the radical left thugs who tried to abduct me.

~Editors 2nd note: Dude, you really need to clean up your act! Seriously. Puss ‘N Booths??? OMG!

~Reporter’s 3rd note: I’ll have you know I was nefariously drugged, my credit cards were stolen and I was almost kidnapped. And I think I’m going to be sick again……

~Editors final note: Just a final reminder for you to check out our deformed sibling blog, The Looming Doom . It’s a more sober effort dealing with the pressing issues directly affecting our readers. At least it was sober earlier. I’ve been out for a couple hours so it’s hard to say what’s been going on in the meantime. I sure hope they didn’t defecate on my desk blotter again. That really raises my hackles! They just don’t appreciate what I have to go thru to get things done. It’s not my fault we still don’t have indoor plumbing at the OTCB World Headquarters Shed….<sigh>

OTCB - We make it up, so you don’t have to!

California Legislature Enacts Unpopular Resolution

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 11:13:00 -0600

Outside The (Cardboard) Box News Brief

On Thursday the California State Assembly took bold steps to address the rapidly deteriorating condition of their State. Currently facing a $24 billion annual budget shortfall, rising overall unemployment, plummeting income, property & sales tax receipts and ever-rising costs due to intractable State employee Labor Unions and runaway entitlement programs, State Legislators demonstrated once again that California leads the Nation in identifying & taking effective action on the most expedient issues of the day. Although the measure is tremendously unpopular and will likely find little support outside of Sacramento, Legislators nonetheless declared the first week of March to be “Cuss Free Week”.

California Governator Arnold Schwarznegger , in the news in 2009 for a memo to the Legislature purportedly stating “F*ck You” had this to say on the Resolution: “Deze guyz haahve dere headz zo far up dere azzes dat dey haahven’t zeen the Zun in yearz. What da f*ck are dey tinking?”

A sampling of letters to the Editors of the State’s large dailies, as well as comments on news outlet websites, seems to be soundly against the measure. When published at all, significant portions of these reader opinions are being redacted for so-called propriety. In fact the Sacramento Bee had deleted every single comment relating to this topic as/of this writing.

One comment at The Huffington Post by Anonymous well captured the recurring theme echoed by voters throughout the State: “These c*cksuckers f*cking suck! What the f*ck? How we ended up with this group of massive dildo f*cks is beyond me. They should all be skullf*cked, assf*cked and bitchslapped. And then we should f*ck them up. The f*ckers. They are such f*cking tools. F*ck em!”

OTCB News Brief: Quasi-Faux News for you to peruse!