August 4, 2010

Congress Seeks Final Extension Of Unemployment Benefits


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An Exclusive Cardboard Business News Company News Brief
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A Hard Row To Hoe
With midterm elections looming, those unfortunate Members of Congress forced to seek their constituents’ support at the ballot box find themselves confronted with the dual burdens of declining public approval and a rapidly deteriorating economic environment. Ever-attentive to the home crowd come election time however, voters’ concerns are being heard loud & clear in Washington, D.C. : “Show me the money!” Hard at work delivering a final extension of unemployment benefits, that’s just what these homeward bound candidates intend to do.

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Help Is On The Way
Expected to emerge from Committee as soon as next week, the so-called “Give Them The Money!” Bill proposes to increase the maximum length of unemployment benefits from the current 99 weeks to a far-more constituent consoling 2,000 weeks. Upon passage in its current form, an unemployed individual would theoretically be able to collect weekly benefits starting from their 21st birthday until the ‘early retirement’ age of 59 ½. Of particular concern to critics is how the Government will pay for a program that, at least on its surface, appears to be a significant increase in entitlements.

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Don’t Do It!
Ron Mastin, Executive Director of the Society Against Congressional Kaisers, Entitlements & Malapportionments (SACKEM) raises just such a point. “This proposal will be impossible to pay for. The Country will fail. And this will happen quickly. Not years or months. It will happen within days or hours of the signing of this Bill into law. Maybe even seconds. Or even faster! Like in a nanosecond. Which is really, really fast.”

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Do It Before It’s Too Late!
“That is just crazy talk” retorts Maxine Waters, California Congresswoman and a vocal proponent of the Bill. “That’s just ignorance, plain and simple. He’s just wrong. Wrong and stupid. And dumb. This will SAVE the Economy.” Adds fellow Democrat and New York Congressman Charlie Rangel, “Right now, none of these unemployed people are paying any taxes. As a result, the Government isn’t getting any money from them. But if these unemployed people start receiving unemployment benefits, then the Government gets to collect taxes on those benefits. See? We need these people to pay taxes. The way I see it, they’re shortchanging the rest of us when not receiving benefits. If we DON’T pass this bill, the Country will soon go broke!”

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An Informal Poll

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CBNC interviewed a wide spectrum of economic, political and cultural ‘Thought Leaders’ for their take on the proposed benefits extension. Their opinions of the Bill, which are as varied as their backgrounds and occupations, follow below:.
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Senior Senator from Arizona John McCain said “I LIKE pudding……”

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Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayer said “I would hope that a wise Latina woman, with the richness of her experiences, would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life.” Immediately thereafter, Justice Sotomayer launched into a spirited rendition of “I Feel Pretty”, conjuring an uncanny resemblance to the late Natale Wood as she twirled and shouted “I am….CRAZY!”

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Chastity spokesperson Bristol Palin said “Levi is such a tool! The engagement is off! I’m back on the market!”

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Bristol’s mom, former Alaska Governor and Fox News contributor Sarah Palin provocatively said “This is the typical Democratic approach. Incentualize – um, that’s a word right? No? Incense? Um, incentivize! That’s it. The Democrats want to incentivize people to stay unemployed. I say we give people an incentive to GO to work. I say we charge THEM when they’re NOT working! Like the minimum wage or something. But the opposite. That will get them off the sofa! Now THAT’S fiscal prudence!”

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Considerably less controversial was the reply from Vice President Joe Biden: “You want me to comment on what? Hahahahahahahahaha….” He was still laughing when we left. A very jovial fellow…..

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Taking a brief respite from writing her eagerly anticipated “Prison Journal” following a harrowing 13 day stint in the slammer, a sober (and far more boring) Lindsay Lohan inquired of this reporter, “What’s the difference between a ‘shank’ and a ‘shiv’? I can never keep them straight.”

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Former Speaker of the House, college professor, historian and author Newt Gingrich said “The Founding Fathers didn’t receive unemployment benefits. You can look it up. That’s a fact. That’s not conjecture or opinion. It’s an incontrovertible fact!” When this reporter pointed out that there was as yet no Federal Government at that time, Gingrich replied “Exactly!”

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Congressman from Texas Ron Paul said “It’s insane! It’s crazy! They’re nuts! This is a terrible idea! This will be a disaster! I can’t believe it! They’ve lost their marbles! We can’t sustain that! This will cause a collapse! They’ve got a screw loose! It’s a catastrophe! I’m sorry, what was the question? “

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From Miami, Florida, where MTV is filming the second season of their extremely popular reality series, um, Jersey Shore, cast member Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino said “Yo. Hook me up!”

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And finally, former President George W. Bush had this to say:

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Outside The (Cardboard) Box: We make it up, so you don’t have to!

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TomOfTheNorth

  1. outsidethe-cardboard-box posted this
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