The Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed

Only recently made aware that the growing problem of our fellow citizens still growing is now considered a matter of National Security, the Editors of Outside The (Cardboard) Box have stepped to the fore of the National dialogue (championed by First Lady Michelle Obama through her Fat Kids Program) to say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. We therefore state unreservedly:

You’re too fat and there oughta be a law!

Our leaders in Washington have determined those thighs of yours are a criminal offense! Since we can’t yet legislate your fat ass away, OTCB has assembled the best and brightest from our Global Headquarters Shed to pour over every iota of available research in order to develop the Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed.

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As The Greatest Depression Ever continues to unfurl in deliberate and unrelenting fashion, every day fewer Americans are able to afford any ‘nonessential’ expenses. In this environment, even a basic medical insurance policy is increasingly viewed by greater numbers of our fellow citizens as an unattainable luxury, recent healthcare reform legislation notwithstanding. Given the expanding economic hardship, we should not be shocked that leeches are making a comeback in certain medical care networks in lieu of more costly protocols that actually work.
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It is also not surprising then that hitherto emblems of upward mobility (and the average American Consumer’s typical route back to health & vigor) such as a health club membership or, the more frugal person’s alternative, in-home exercise equipment such as a treadmill or the truly creepy Bowflex (with Power Rod resistance) are languishing in unconsumed services and/or retail inventory. Even Chuck Norris – Chuck Norris! – is struggling to hawk his meager Total Gym on late night infomercials as interest in former super model Christie Brinkley is displaced by Americans’ increasing anxiety about their future. Alas, poor Suzanne Sommers has likely mastered her last thigh as Americans ability to purchase such specialized appliances evaporates with their income, savings and tangible assets’ values.
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The continuing economic pain means that formerly popular weight-loss supplements (ingestible compounds engineered to increase metabolism, improve fat ‘burn’ and accelerate muscle growth) are also now out of reach for most of us. For example, an OTCB survey on consumer preferences for vitamin supplements determined that most Economically Depressed consumers’ choice for Vitamin A supplementation was dumpster diving for left-over carrots at their local Applebees.
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Which leaves calisthenics coupled with a calorie-restricted diet as the only remaining option for The Economically Depressed desirous of weight loss and improvements in fitness. Calisthenics offer a perfectly suitable fitness activity for most of us. Furthermore, calisthenics are free of cost assuming you don’t buy new work-out togs to ‘jumpstart’ your health initiative or purchase the ever popular work-out mat to aid you in the pursuit of your ideal body by cushioning your exertion from a hard, unforgiving surface while (more importantly) also providing a portable ‘platform’ for napping. However we Americans are not especially keen on calisthenics. We are conditioned at an early age in this country to experience calisthenics as a punishment without reward. It’s a hard-wired cultural thing and, as such, an extremely difficult psychological barrier to overcome. And it’s our God-given right to eat our fill!
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With these hurdles before us, OTCB has designed a course of action that could, under certain circumstances (none of which actually pertain in any way to this particular course of action) deliver you a body of lithe svelteness the likes of which is rarely seen outside of the Oval Office (unless of course the Sexy Beast in Chief is on vacation, at a Union rally, addressing the U.N., at a Beer Summit or maybe just out having a smoke).

This program was created to meet the two primary concerns of the overweight American: weight-loss should require neither sacrifice nor exertion.

Well breathe easy, Tubby! The Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed meets those expectations with a simple two-step program that anyone can follow.
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This program is not recommended for: nursing mothers; women who intend to get pregnant; women who don’t intend to get pregnant; women who have not yet formed an opinion on getting pregnant; women not included in the preceding women’s categories; men; transgendered individuals; other genders not included in the preceding gender categories; children; people who eat; any humans generally; farm animals; pets; migratory waterfowl; any other species.
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Getting Started
The first step in the Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for the Economically Depressed is to get your appetite under control and to consume only high nutrition /low calorie foods. Excess food consumed translates into excess weight. Therefore, the overweight Economically Depressed individual should avoid dumpsters at Italian restaurants as pasta is a somewhat nutritionally devoid complex carbohydrate (sugar) that is a fat storage ‘enabler’ for your body.
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Ideally, dumpsters at Vegan and Vegetarian restaurants should be considered. Also the dumpsters of ethnic restaurants serving dishes from India, Thailand and other low fat/high fiber diet cultures should be sampled. The variety will further aid you in sating those all too common food cravings. Additionally, your local grocer usually culls the produce section on a regular basis for blemished or wilted produce that still retains high nutritional value. Small amounts of mold and slime are actually not as repellant as one might expect!
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Truth be told however, it doesn’t really matter what you eat on The Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed. You can eat as much of anything that you desire as long as you rigidly adhere to Phase 2 of The Program. That said, OTCB nonetheless encourages our readers to take a sensible and moderate approach to their diet if only to prepare for the day when a really tasty cheesburger becomes a controlled substance. Going cold turkey is a bitch!

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Phase 2
Let’s get to the heart of the program! You may recall that the popular (and now infamous) Atkins Diet required its acolytes to eat an extremely high protein diet as a catalyst for the process known as Ketosis. In Ketosis, your body consumes your onboard fat. While there is logic in Atkins’ approach, the lack of dietary balance in his Program was harmful to practitioner’s long-term physical well-being.
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In The Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed, we suggest you eat a balanced diet with an emphasis on fresh vegetables and grains. However weight-loss actually derives from a process known as Kashkosis. Kashkosis is your body’s natural reaction to reading anything by or about former TARP Czar and PIMCO waterboy Neel Kashkari. The program is incredibly simple: following mealtimes, merely peruse Kashkari’s latest offense at the Washington Post titled “No More Me First Mentality On Entitlements”.
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While superficially this program may appear similar to the ‘purging’ common to those afflicted with the eating disorder known as bulimia, nothing could be further from the truth. While purging is the unnatural act of manually triggering one’s gag reflex to cause vomiting, Kashkosis is a natural process whereby one’s stomach contents actually flee their abdominal confines when confronted with the venal sputum of someone of a certain ilk. Additionally, the strong abdominal contractions you will experience using this program will greatly strengthen your core and define what will soon be your visibly rippling oblique and abdominal muscles.
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Six Pack Super Sets
In developing The Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed, the OTCB team discovered that one may accelerate and magnify the effect of Kashkosis by reading specially targeted passages of the Program’s subject material, whereby an unusually powerful Kashkosis-effect is promulgated. In particular, this passage from the recent WaPo ‘Entitlements’ op ed has proven incredibly effective:

“….bailing out the financial system went directly against our shared beliefs in free markets and fair play. While the vast majority of Americans did not cause the financial crisis, we all had to sacrifice to stop it.”

GACK!

Like me, you no doubt just experienced Kashkosis! Please consult your physician before intentionally triggering further Kashkosis.

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OTCB will periodically provide new Kashkosis-triggering materials as they are developed. Thus participants in The Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed will not develop a tolerance/resistance/indifference to the normal reaction from repeated exposure to such twaddle.
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So let’s all get fit & trim through the benefits of Kashkosis! We’d hate to see you subject to a fatty enforcement action sometime down the road……
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Related Kashkosis content:
OTCB: Extreme Makeover: WaPo Edition
Urban Dictionary: Kashkosis (pending inclusion @ UrbanDictionary.com
Urban Dictionary:Kashkari

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Outside The (Cardboard) Box: We make it up, you decide!
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