June 8, 2010

BP Grasping At Strings

Struggling to halt the gargantuan flow of crude oil from the seabed of the Gulf of Mexico, BP CEO Tony Hayward took time out from his demanding schedule to discuss with Outside The (Cardboard) Box the effect the environmental disaster has had on his life, BP’s plans for the future and his inspiration for BP’s latest approach to stemming the flow.
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OTCB – Thank you for speaking with us.

TH – It’s my pleasure.

OTCB – BP’s initial estimates of how much oil was issuing from the wellhead was laughably low. Can you explain why?

TH – We wanted you to believe it wasn’t a big deal. I mean, if you spill the tiniest amount of fuel in the environment, the tree huggers jump all over you. And that’s bad for our employees, our shareholders and our planet. BP seeks to move beyond petroleum. Specifically, we seek to move beyond THIS petroleum. Dare I say, we seek to survive beyond this petroleum.
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OTCB – You were quoted as saying the spill was likely ‘very, very modest’ and that the spill was ‘relatively tiny’ in comparison to the size of the ocean. Do you stand by that?

TH – With the benefit of hindsight I would amend it slightly. I would say the spill is relatively tiny in comparison to the size of the Universe. In fact it’s even smaller than relatively tiny. Inconsequential. THAT’S the word! The spill is inconsequential in comparison to the size of the Universe.

OTCB – But do you agree that your declared rates of ejection of crude from the well have been ridiculously understated?

TH – Hey, it’s a mile underwater. My binoculars don’t work so good down there. Besides, we’re now capturing 10,000 barrels of crude per day at the wellhead. Our LMRP (Lower Marine Riser Package) Containment System has been a great success and is allowing us to help keep America dynamic and fueled.
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OTCB – At the outset you said the well was pumping 1000 barrels per day. BP has prohibited independent measurement of the flow rate stating that it is not relevant to the effort. Yet you assert that BP is now capturing 10,000 barrels per day and that 10,000 barrels is less than the total daily spill rate.

TH – It’s maybe a teaspoon more that’s spilling. It’s really inconsequential.

OTCB – Yet in your drilling permit application you allow that the well could spill as much as 162,000 barrels per day.

TH – We just like to err on the side of caution. It’s a safety margin and we’re all about safety. I can assure you the current flow is only one teaspoon more per day than whatever the rate was I told you a minute ago. And it’s a really tiny teaspoon we’re talking about here. Seriously. It’s nothing.
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OTCB – You have derided claims that massive undersea plumes of crude oil remain below the surface of the Gulf.

TH – I don’t know that I’ve derided anything. But those plumes aren’t ours. That’s the important takeaway. Those are somebody else’s plumes. Our crude is either still in the well, safely settled on the Gulf bottom being consumed by bacteria or floating on top where it’s easily cleaned-up. Those plumes, well those are going to be a real headache for the responsible party or parties. Shame on them for causing such a mess.

OTCB – How has this disaster affected you?

TH – Oh my. Well, it’s kept me from my family and more importantly kept me from my mansion in Kent. I just paid off the mortgage a few months ago and now I can’t even be there to enjoy it!

OTCB – Have there been any silver linings?

TH – Americans are such inventive chaps. If not for the spill I likely would never have been exposed to your newest sport – Lingerie Football.
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OTCB – Lingerie Football?

TH – Oh yeah. And in fact that’s where I got the inspiration for our latest effort to halt the spill.

OTCB – How did Lingerie Football lead you to a solution to the spill.

TH – Well, I’m watching all of these girls running around and got to thinking about their, um, differences. Then all of sudden it hit me!
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OTCB – So to recap your other attempts at halting the growth of the disaster, you attempted to close the blowout preventer. You then attempted a large containment dome which clogged. Then there was the so-called Top Hat. But you abandoned that for the Insertion Tube. Next came the Top Kill, which you tried three times, all of which were failures. Which brings us up to the LMRP that is now capturing some portion of the spill. So what’s next?

TH – Well like I said, I was watching these athletic girls frolicking around and thinking, you know, of different things, er, challenges that they have. So I returned to my engineering team with my idea. They huddled with Industry experts who have specific experience in dealing with these extreme environmental conditions. The result was we have partnered with Procter & Gamble to develop and deploy our latest attempt at stemming the flow.

OTCB – How did you happen to partner with a consumer goods manufacturer for an extreme industrial project?

TH – Well P&G had developed a product that was actually too, um, powerful for the consumer market but we felt could be scaled appropriately to our needs. Based upon their Rely Brand of Tampon, P&G have developed the B-Pampon, which we feel will revolutionize ultra deep drilling mishap remediation. Frankly, given the number of rigs in the Gulf already, we feel that such occurrences will become much more frequent, perhaps even monthly.
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OTCB – I’m frankly skeptical that this will work even half as well as your efforts that have already failed.

TH –Actually we have a high degree of confidence that, once in place, the B-Pampon will stem the flow. The real engineering problem is the creation of a suitable applicator. We’re sort of stuck on that right now.
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OTCB – You really are a douche bag, aren’t you?

TH – It’s funny you should say that as we actually will have to douche, so to speak, the broken blowout preventer once we get this minor inconvenience resolved.

OTCB –Well thank you again for sitting down with us.

TH – My pleasure.

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OTCB - We make it up so you don’t have to!
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  1. outsidethe-cardboard-box posted this
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