Outside The (Cardboard) Box - The Bully Pulpit Saves The World

May 15, 2010

The Bully Pulpit Saves The World

A Cardboard Business News Company (CBNC) Exclusive
As the dust settles on the latest flurry of worldwide financial gerrymandering, details are starting to emerge on the eleventh-hour machinations required to save the global financial system from yet another of these seemingly never-ending black pits of despair.
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Not unexpectedly, French sources attribute the startling accommodations made in the latest, um, commitments by European Union member-nations, intended to bailout their spendthrift neighbors, to the debonair charm of French President Nicolas Sarkozy. While acknowledging Sarkozy’s unrivaled smarminess, CBNC sources from inside the recent deliberations scoff at the likelihood that this vertically challenged coq au vin could de-pants the likes of German Chancellor Angela Merkel, let alone cajole his fellow national executives, notwithstanding their own urgent needs, into a gang-violation of the very fabric of their union (which, even so, is only marginally an abeyance of their charter when compared to the Bernanke-panky ongoing in the U.S.).
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Rather, sources are pointing to American President Barack Obama as the linchpin in the assembly of support for the recent empty assurances gushing forth from Brussels. CBNC has acquired a transcript from an eyewitness who recorded President Obama making the call to Chancellor Merkel from a telephone booth in Hampton, Virginia where the President was attending a speaking engagement. The President was informed of the crisis while he was having a smoke break, whereupon he immediately strode to the nearby phone booth and dialed the Chancellor directly. The transcript of the President’s side of the conversation as recorded by our source follows below:
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Hello Angie?…..It’s Barack…..No, BARACK…..No, not Duane Johnson……I’m sorry you’re disappointed…….Yes! It’s the President of the United States. Barack Obama….…Yes, your homey!……No..Angie….Angie, I said HOMEY…..Angie, you’re not homely. I find you very attractive.
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Angie, if it wasn’t for the love of my life Michelle, I’d have made a run at you a long time ago….. Hehe, I’m sure you would…..What’s that? ……Tie me up like a strudel? Haha! Don’t tell Michelle that Angie. She’s liable to go all ninja on your ass….
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That’s right. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of those guns of hers!…. Angie, the reason that I’m calling is we’re concerned that this latest crisis over there is getting out of hand…..
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Well, I don’t know nuthin about sodomites but Greece is turning into a big problem for everybody…….I know, it’s a quandary……What we’d like to see is you display some ‘shock & awe’ over there. ……NO! Don’t bomb them! It’s an analogy…..
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Yeah. It’s LIKE Bush did to Iraq that time but instead it’s financial firepower directed at the speculators…..That’s right……Yes. Financial Shock & Awe…..How much? I don’t know. Say somewhat less than nuclear but more than an IED…….Yeah, like a couple dozen cruise missiles with conventional explosives. Say a skosh under a trillion U.S…….I know that sounds like a lot but we’ll supply the, er, weapons if you get my drift……..
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Yes! Exactly. We can get the swap lines going right away. I just have to huddle with Treasury and the Fed……..You’d like to swap what?……Oh! HaHa! I’m telling you Angie, don’t let Michelle hear that! Seriously…….Ok, so what do you think?……, I still don’t know nuthin about sodomites but yeah the Greeks will have to play along…….Thanks Angie. I knew I could count on you! Auf wiedersehen baby!
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Your Cardboard Business News Company news team will stay On Top of this story, lest we get behind!
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Outside The (Cardboard) Box: Go ahead and read it. We’ll make-up more!
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