Outside The (Cardboard) Box - Senate Considers Rule Modifications for Extended Service

February 15, 2010

Senate Considers Rule Modifications for Extended Service

OTCB Exclusive

Outside The (Cardboard) Box investigative journalists have learned that the obscure, rarely mentioned Senators’ Finances Subcommittee is exploring the concept of extending an incumbent Senator’s ability to pursue reelection beyond the current, inflexible limit. Apparently some of our most effective Legislators, at the height of their popularity and eminently electable, are banned from running for office merely because they happen to be, and usually through no fault of their own, dead. The Senators’ Finances Subcommittee seeks to overturn this grossly unfair flaw in the electoral process.

“I’m just getting started!” declared West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd, age 93. “Why after my nap, enema and diaper change I’m raring to go. Beulah! I need my ass wiped again!” A serving Senator for 51 years and clearly irrationally convinced of his vitality, when awake Byrd is a keen proponent of Posthumous Congressional terms and determined to exert his legislative influence upon America well after his corporeal expiration. In anticipation of that eventuality Byrd has already had his desk in the Senate chamber modified to hold an urn of his ashes.

One issue that the Senators’ Finances Subcommittee is grappling with is the mechanics of how a deceased Legislator shall cast their vote on Legislation before the Senate. While presumably a defunct Legislator would vote in lockstep with their previously declared Political Party’s line, as do all currently-alive Senators now, not everyone is enamored of such inflexibility. Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter, a comparative newcomer at 80 years of age and with a mere 30 years in the Senate, is a strong backer of Posthumous Terms. However he dislikes the ‘One Party Post Mortem’ limitation. “We cannot fully anticipate how a strict Party affiliation might limit my inanimate self’s reelection chances sometime down the road. In order to best serve my constituents, I should be able to change my Party affiliation as my heart suggests and of course whenever dictated by my polling data.”

Specter’s rejection of cremation and his stated preference for traditional embalming poses some additional logistical problems for the Subcommittee to iron out. If elected dead, will his corpse be brought in to the Senate Chamber during session or will perhaps a proxy such as a, er, cardboard cutout, a wax figure or a video monitor displaying a computer generated image suffice? In the case of a ‘stuffed’ Senator, a preservative sealant would need to be liberally applied to the skin of the nonliving Legislator to forestall decomposition. Storage of the cadavers would need to be provided for as well. However, traditional euphemisms relating to pending Legislation such as “Dead On Arrival” would need to be discarded as now anachronistic, insensitive and extremely Politically Incorrect.

Surprisingly, the man on the street seems nonplussed by any perceived shortcomings of a nonbreathing Congress. “Seriously, how much worse could a Dead Senate be?” was the response heard most frequently. Perhaps indicative of the Political detachment of Average Americans, the second most common reply was the query “They’re NOT dead? Well they oughta be!”

Challenged on the appropriateness of a so-called “U.S. Senate of the Dead”, 71 year old Majority Leader Harry Reid argued thusly: “Fully 40% of serving Senators are over age 65. If the Senate had mandatory retirement our Nation would experience a catastrophic reduction in Entrenched Career Politicians. We might never regain this critical political strategic resource were we to act rashly and in a Populist fashion. Obviously we won’t let that fate befall our Country. It follows logically that we should build upon such stability, ensuring the People continue to be guided down the path by those who are most responsible for delivering the United States of America, the largest and most powerful Nation on the planet, to this point in time. Therefore, allowing incumbents to seek reelection from the afterlife is merely allowing successful individuals access to the tools that allow them to continue to successfully be successful.”

Eyebrows are arching however as hints of Fallen Senator compensation seep out of Subcommittee.”It’s bad enough they want full benefits for the dead guys,” said an unnamed staffer to one of the younger Senators on the Subcommittee, “But a per diem? C’mon! They don’t eat. They don’t need housing. We’ll just stack ‘em like firewood and maybe dust them once a week. Sheesh. I guess old habits, uh, die hard.”

Lobbyists from all manner of Industries and Organizations are much less agitated by the proposed changes, not expecting any significant deviation from their current activities. And in at least one instance the move is strongly backed by a Wall St. titan. Lloyd Blankfein, CEO and Chairman of Goldman Sachs strongly embraced the initiative. “I want they all should be dead” he lisps in that high, whiny voice of his. “Fuck ‘em. The stupid shits need to stop dragging me up there to testify and stop hitting me up for campaign contributions. I’m too fucking busy making money to be dicking around like this. They need to just listen to what I tell them and leave me the fuck alone. Or I’m going to jam Greece right up their fucking asses. We’ve got that shit wired tighter than we ever had with AIG! HA! Fuckheads! They better quit fucking with me. I will fuck them up.”

In anticipation of the Rule Change, a campaign is already in the works for the late Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy. “He hasn’t looked this good in years!” gushed a staffer. “Teddy will kick Scott Brown’s neocon ass back to Palooka-Palinville where he belongs!” Privately, Kennedy campaign insiders express relief that the various ‘issues’ that plagued Kennedy for years are now under control and will preclude any surprise ‘distractions’ from the election season. “Yeah, it’s not like Teddy’s going to be driving any hotties home after a party NOW!” quipped an irreverent aide.

And in a sign of the unexpected twists such a rule change may provoke, the late actress Brittany Murphy is planning to make a run for House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s Seat assuming the House takes up the Post Mortem Service discussion following its passage in the Senate. The Murphy campaign expects to successfully challenge any proposed limitations relating to only incumbent Legislators being allowed to run from beyond the grave. A “Murphy for Congress” spokesperson said “Brittany is looking forward to debating Nancy Pelosi on the issues that are important to the people of California’s 8^th Congressional District.” Unanimously, London Bookmakers’ Odds currently favor a dead Murphy’s expected performance over Pelosi’s by a margin of 8-to-1.

Your OTCB team will continue to follow this rapidly decaying story and provide updates as new information is, er, uncovered.