Really Depressing Jobs for the Economically Depressed
As the Modern Economic Depression continues to expand and unemployment rises, job seekers struggling to make ends meet have increasingly ventured into hazardous occupations they are often ill-equipped to safely navigate. Perhaps formerly ensconced in a quiet corner office or at the reception counter of a boutique hotel, and now desperate to survive financially, they rigorously compete for jobs with some of the highest injury and fatality statistics in the Nation.
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Reality programming such as Deadliest Catch and Ice Road Truckers have not only romanticized hazardous occupations, but have also given the broader populace a window into how lucrative these jobs can be. It is not surprising then that the competition for dangerous jobs has never been so fierce. With even hazardous jobs now beyond their grasp, desperate and chronically unemployed citizens are turning towards the last frontier of rarely-sought employment: Really Depressing Jobs.
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As Congress dithers, focused solely on the financial welfare of bankers and labor unions, the job landscape for the rest of America is deteriorating rapidly. As a result, employment conventional wisdom is being turned upside-down. For example, the phrase ‘Going Postal’ once described a sudden, irrational workplace killing spree. However in the current economic environment, an announcement that someone has ‘Gone Postal’ is cause for celebration as they have just landed a good paying job with the U.S. Postal Service (USPS).
While working for the USPS was once the occupation with the highest probability of being slaughtered by a disgruntled fellow employee holding an automatic weapon, a machete and a bag of fried pork rinds, these days USPS employees have some of the highest job satisfaction rankings in the nation.
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Although U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) and the Occupational Safety & Health Administration (OSHA) data offer researchers insight into past workplace injuries and fatalities, Outside The (Cardboard) Box investigative journalists have gone far afield to bring you the latest emerging trends for several Really Depressing Jobs that are currently hiring.
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TBTF-F
The largest U.S. banks are still growing. As these institutions continue to expand against all common sense, their top executives’ time has become ever more valuable. Whether they’re delivering another command performance in front of a Congressional Sham Committee or are back at Headquarters levering-up with more Government largesse, there just isn’t enough time in the day for a banker to do it all. Therefore service occupations that save bankers time are currently in a growth trend. By far the most depressing of these is the Too Big To Fail Fluffer.
The Fluffer acts as an expediter for the Senior Executive who doesn’t have time to engage in foreplay. While not especially hazardous, repetitive stress injuries are not uncommon to the Fluffer. Also, TBTF Fluffers wear protective garments as there is some risk of bodily fluid-borne pathogens. For the Economically Depressed job-seeker with the right attitude however, the TBTF Fluffer occupation is not unlike the task performed by a dairy farmer milking his cow……only in this case, a cash cow!
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TSA-FBS
Even during this period of contracting employment, Homeland Security remains a growth industry. For the Economically Depressed, one of the most depressing occupations available is provided within the Transportation Security Administration (TSA). The recent near-successful attempt to down a commercial jetliner by an individual with a bomb in his underwear has led to full-body scanners being deployed at airport security checkpoints throughout the Nation.
The scanners provide a 360 degree, head-to-toe, completely naked image of the traveler. Initially-eager jobseekers assigned to Full Body Scanners (FBS) quickly determine that the average American traveler will never be featured in GQ or Maxim Magazines. Rather, the travelers they scan are more likely to end up on the People of Walmart website. As a result, the TSA-FBS career path is rapidly transitioning from a merely ‘Depressing’ occupation to an ‘Extremely Hazardous’ occupation as the suicide rate of workers subjected to hour upon hour of these disturbing images soars.
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PCCH
The job of Presidential Cue Card Holder is a recently created position and part of the Administration’s newest Federal Jobs Program. Although relatively simple, the position of Presidential Cue Card Holder is vitally important in aiding the President in communicating with the American People from locations where the use of a Teleprompter is not feasible. As the President seeks to address more specially selected, sympathetic and smaller groups, he has been forced to ever-more remote locations in order to optimally deliver his message of Change. For example, his last speech emanated from the 27th Level of the Soudan Underground Mine State Park in northeastern Minnesota. There he addressed a small tour group and a physicist brought over from the adjacent High Energy Physics Lab .
While good penmanship is a plus, the basic qualifications Presidential Cue Card Holder are an ability to display a series of printed signs to the President so that he may then concentrate on being oratorially magnificent. The Presidential Cue Card Holder task at the recent Soudan Mine speech was further complicated by the need to point a flashlight at the cue card while simultaneously displaying the now-illuminated sign to the President.
The most challenging task performed by the Presidential Cue Card Holder is when the President conveys his message of Hope. As it has recently become quite difficult to find a receptive domestic audience for his message of Hope, this message is currently only conveyed from a U.S. Research Station in Antarctica. Danger of frostbite, windburn and savage penguin attack confront the PCCH in this instance. Beyond that particular hazardous location however, this job is merely extremely depressing for anyone who has heard the President speak more than several dozen times – which includes most Americans within the first week of his Administration.
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The upsurge in Really Depressing Jobs is also expected to increase demand for therapists, social workers and other mental health professionals as the Modern Economic Depression persists. Students considering a choice of careers and courses of study may wish to pursue these burgeoning fields.
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We hope this has been helpful to you as you navigate the Modern Economic Depression. Outside The (Cardboard) Box strives to bring you relevant information to aid you in your struggle to survive.
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OTCB – We make it up, you decide!
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