January 21, 2010

China Shocks With Alt Lifestyle Policy

OTCB International Exclusive

China-watchers are abuzz over recent signals from the Central Government that they will encourage, and perhaps even incentivize, heterosexual Chinese men to ‘convert’ to homosexuality.  Due to the unintended consequence of China’s one child per family policy coupled with their deep cultural bias towards male offspring to carry on the family lineage, China is experiencing increasing imbalances in the population’s male-female ratio.

Said one CIA analyst, “When we considered the country’s size, growth rate, demographic trends and what not, we concluded that shortages would emerge in basic necessities – food, water, housing, education, health care – all fairly obvious. It never occurred to us that a country of 1.3 billion people could possibly run out of poontang!”

  The muff shortage has already reached alarming levels. An estimated 25 million young ‘straight’ men currently have no hope of finding a female mate. That number is expected to surge past 100 million within just a few years as a gargantuan wave of male children, the result of China’s One Child Policy, attain sexual maturity. The Central Planners’ fear is that such a massive supply of what the Government refers to as ‘ undrained hormonal exuberance’ will lead to increasing civil unrest and higher overall levels of crime.

  While traditionally fairly tolerant of homosexuality, China’s recent policy change to encourage homosexuality is the first of its kind. In an indication of how seriously the Government is approaching the problem, the adjacent Government-sponsored ad campaign depicts an extremely gay-looking President Hu Jintao ceremonially opening the new Beijing ‘Posterior Peoples Bath House’. The President has also been making public appearances wearing flamboyant women’s clothing and make-up, while leading a leather-clad Premier Wen Jiabao on a dog leash.  Not to be outdone in the area of patriotic fervor, National People’s Congress Standing Committee Chairman Wu Bangguo has taken to sporting leather chaps without undergarments at Official functions, thereby exposing his hindquarters. Regrettably, the Standing Committee Chairman has something of a weeping rash on those visible areas, which has had somewhat of an effect opposite that of its intention.

  The not-so-subtle message being disseminated by the Government is going to all levels of Chinese society. The ubiquitous ‘morning group calisthenics’ sessions held in Primary Schools throughout the Mainland are now exercising to recordings by U.S. recording artists The Village People and Cher. Recently resuscitated from cryo-stasis in anticipation of her upcoming  ‘Lady Men Are Fashionable Tour’ of China,  Cher said “Th-th-th-those li-li-li-little Ch-ch-chinese g-g-g-guys are s-s-s-so c-c-c-c-cute whe-whe-when th-th-they d-d-dress up.” Notwithstanding Government Officials’ recent cancellation of a planned Gay China Pageant deemed by Authorities as insufficiently ambitious, the massive Socio-Engineering Progam continues full bore.

  As part of their multi-headed thrust to address the swelling imbalances, in a stroke of genius Central Planners have brought in Foreign Experts to jump-start their initiatives. Prominent among them is Russell Vanderwerf , currently on-loan from the U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives.  Vanderwerf normally serves as the director of industry operations for ATF’s Houston field office. However China has found in Vanderwerf an energetic resource in the abatement of the aforementioned ‘hormonal exuberance’.  Tasked with the creation of a Hospitality Enterprise, Vanderwerf describes his strategy to this reporter.  “ We’re starting a chain of hotels  and motels catering exclusively to the single Gay or merely desperate male. Roughly translated, the all-suite chain is called ‘The Inn of Glorious Posterior Enclaves’ and we think the growth potential is explosive, no pun intended. We’ve already started promoting it on Craigslist and the final touches are being put on the plywood-panel doors that are a signature feature of the chain. I will personally make it my mission to ensure the customer has a satisfying experience. And we’d like to think that every guest will take a little something away with them when they check-out.”

  Also tapped for a particular expertise, former Idaho Senator Larry Craig  has been brought in to oversee the design and construction of a portion of China’s “Posterior Lifestyle” infrastructure program. In particular, Craig will be solely responsible for the implementation of millions of public restrooms throughout the country.  A statement released by Craig in part said “I think it’s terribly important that we send a clear message here, nothing that could be misconstrued. And if a message is misconstrued, I think it’s terribly important that the misconstrusal be forgotten and that we let bygones be bygones and what’s past is past. Other than that, it feels great to be back into the Public Restroom Arena again and I’m looking forward to adding my unique form of social lubricant to China’s restroom discourse.” Craig has inked a deal on behalf of his Chinese handlers with Pop Music Star George Michael  to be the ‘front man’ of the new infrastructure program. Michael, himself a life-long public restroom aficionado, will be performing in restrooms throughout the country, with Craig bringing up the rear and lending a hand whenever possible.

 Not surprisingly, the entrepreneurial spirit is also rising to meet these challenges. Factories are springing-up all over the mainland to provide relief-alternatives to males disinclined to convert to homosexuality. The so-called Love Doll is selling-out within hours of shipment. The high demand has resulted in severe vinyl shortages in parts of the country. Counterfeit Love Dolls, easily spotted as they are anatomically incorrect, have been selling well as a substitute for the difficult to find Genuine Love Doll. However the State continues to warn that high levels of lead and cadmium are routinely found in these inferior products. They are also prone to popping, have been known to cause permanent disfigurement to their users due to sharp vinyl edges, and are difficult to clean, resulting in future illness and/or other skin distress to the user.

  If there is a silver lining to China’s gender imbalance, it is the increasing interest in sheep farming being expressed in China’s hinterlands. Accomplishing the dual goals of feeding a hungry nation as well as providing a ‘personal relationship alternative’ for its practitioners, sheep farming as an occupational choice has been expanding dramatically country-wide. All of the major Chinese Universities now offer Animal Husbandry curriculum, the difference to Western agricultural curriculum being the Chinese version uses the term ‘Husbandry’ far more literally.

   As the most populace nation on the Earth, China faces a daunting task in the continued provision of basic necessities to its people. Food, water, shelter – these are certainly nice to have – but are well down the list of ‘necessities’ for China’s nearly one billion men aged 14 – 70. China’s aggressive campaign to address those needs will define its success or failure in the 21st Century.  OTCB International will continue to be there, reporting on International issues that have a Local impact on our readers.

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