January 10, 2010

Murder At 1600

OTCB Breaking News

(Washington, D.C.)  Capitol Hill Police responding to a complaint of ‘a strong, foul odor’ have discovered the slain body of U.S. Economy in the subbasement of a Government building near the Capitol complex.

Police spokesman Don Underhill briefed waiting media: “Responding officers arrived on scene at approximately 1600 hours yesterday evening.  They reported that the odor was evident as they left their squad. Officers followed the odor into the subject building and proceeded to the lower levels. As they neared what was later determined to be the crime scene they were forced to retreat by the overpowering smell, returning a short while later garbed in SCBA. At the crime scene, they discovered the slain body of U.S. Economy. Visual inspection was sufficient to determine that a homicide had been committed. While actual cause and time of death are pending the Coroner’s report, it appears the body had been in place for some time. Given the body’s location on Federal property, the FBI is taking the lead in the investigation.”

*

Your Outside The (Cardboard) Box investigative team has unearthed some shocking revelations and further details related to the murder. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a Federal Agent described the ghoulish scene Forensic Investigators were confronted with: “It was awful. Even in full hazmat kit, the smell was barely tolerable. And the body – was - everywhere! That image has been seared into my brain.” Pressed for details, the Agent continues. “Investigator observations and evidence collected at the scene suggests that Economy was repeatedly bled to the brink of death and then maintained there for extended periods. There was evidence that transfusions were given to Economy as a restorative after incurring the most heinous wounds. We are only speculating but we think the killers, and it was clearly multiple killers, but we think the killers were, and this just sickens us to think this could be true, that they essentially milked Economy’s death for their own deranged benefit, extracting as much of whatever it was that they gained from such a despicable act and continued to do so until Economy was beyond resuscitation. It appears that just prior to Economy’s demise, the perpetrators realized they had exceeded Economy’s limits of survival so they accelerated their maiming of Economy in the most egregious fashion imaginable. Monsters!  Absolute monsters did this. “

*

OTCB has learned that the U.S. Attorney General is seeking to speak to a number of ‘Persons of Interest’ in regards to this murder. Chief among them is someone known as Ben the Fed. Another sought is named Tim at Treasury.  A number of members of a possible criminal gang known as Congress are also being sought for questioning.  A recent addition Investigators are very keen to speak with is someone known only by the initials TBTF. And one other Person of Interest being sought by the A.G. is named Goldman, no known nationality or address. If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of these individuals, do not approach them but please contact your local Authorities.

*

In a troubling turn of events, agents attempting to notify Economy’s next of kin have been unable to locate them. Consider this disturbing Request For Information from Investigators:

 “As you are aware, U.S. Economy was found slain last evening. While normally the decedent’s name is withheld pending notification of next of kin, we are compelled to alter that practice today. Agents attempting to contact U.S. Economy’s next of kin, named U.S. Middle Class, have been unsuccessful. Citizens who have any information or know the whereabouts of U.S. Middle Class are asked to call their local FBI office.”

Speaking confidentially for fear of damaging the eventual prosecution of the perpetrators, agents fret that a fate similar to that of Economy may have already befallen Middle Class. “We’re not sure when it happened but we believe those persons of interest captured U.S. Economy quite some time ago. And now we’re concerned that U.S. Middle Class is trapped somewhere as well. We don’t know what condition Middle Class is in but, given how we found Economy, we don’t expect a positive resolution. All we can realistically hope for at this point is that Justice will eventually be served!”

 *

While the investigation continues apace Stateside, across the Atlantic, Officers from Interpol are making inquires back to Washington as they investigate eerily similar crimes throughout Europe. Said a source within Interpol, “We have begun to consider the possibility, and I’ll go further, the probability that these heinous acts are the result of international coordination between various deviant criminal entities whose twisted purpose we have yet to fathom.” It has been reported that murder victims in Iceland, Ireland, the U.K., Ukraine and elsewhere are all named Economy and all bear the same hallmarks of unbearable, criminal stresses placed upon the victims. And while vociferously denied by Chinese Authorities, whispers from behind the Great Wall suggest a similar crime may have been committed in China. A recent briefing by the Peoples Police refuted such talk stating that the death in question was accidental, the result of a fall in the bathtub. Furthermore, the victim was not Chinese Economy but rather was Tibetan Economy.

*

OTCB will update this report as new information comes to light.

*

End OTCB Breaking News

*

*

OTCB - We make it up, you decide!

*

*

  1. josef-zayicek reblogged this from outsidethe-cardboard-box
  2. chance-delaroca reblogged this from outsidethe-cardboard-box
  3. mohammad-figuera reblogged this from outsidethe-cardboard-box
  4. outsidethe-cardboard-box posted this
blog comments powered by Disqus
Comments
blog comments powered by Disqus