December 31, 2009

New Year’s Resolutions from the Nation’s Capital

  As the New Year commences, millions of Americans are committing to an objective or course of action intended to better their health, or their lives or the lives of others, as they seek to actualize their New Year’s Resolution. The 2010 crop of New Year Resolutions emitting from Washington, D.C. conveys the wide range of interests & concerns among the denizens of our Nation’s Capital. Your Outside The (Cardboard) Box Investigative Team has probed & prodded (and occasionally rubbed) the seamy underbelly of national politics to bring you our favorite New Year’s Resolutions from the Nation’s Capital for 2010.

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  President Barack H. Obama – “I’ve spent many hours in somber deliberation. I’ve prayed. And I’ve consulted with the love of my life and mother of our two wonderful children, Michelle, as to what my resolution for 2010 should be. A New Year’s resolution is ideally a contract with yourself that, if properly executed, will result in a positive, immediate outcome with additional long-term benefits. As such, this is a serious decision that warrants careful consideration. Therefore, I have directed the formation of the Obama 2010 Resolution Trust Commission with Paul Volcker as Chairman and Sheila Bair as Secretary to analyze this complex issue and to make recommendations DIRECTLY to me, without intermediaries fogging-up the message, as oftentimes happens in this town. I would like to also thank Austin Goolsbee for serving on this important committee.”

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  Senator John Ensign – “I’m DEFINITELY not going to bang any more of my married staffers! Boy did THAT open a can of worms! I think that if I stick with the wives of Government contractors I should be ok. I’m also going to try an ad on Craig’s List and I’ve heard great things from fellow legislators about Adult Friend Finder.”

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  Congressman Barney Frank – Congressman Frank has several issues on his plate for 2010. “I resolve to continue to work hard in Congress on behalf of my California constituents. I’d also like to lose 5 pounds. I don’t NEED to but would just like to get rid of that last little bit. That and I resolve to be much more ‘Butch’ during Banking Committee hearings and ESPECIALLY when I’m on Fox….Honestly, does this pinstripe make me look fat?”

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  Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner – “I’m putting the negativity behind me and will continue to focus positively on my career progression. Things have never looked SO good! Did you see the gig that Kashkari  snagged? He was just a pissant undersecretary. Dude, I’m THE SHIT! Hoo-wee! I AM SOOOOO STOKED!”

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  Senator Chris Dodd – “Merely doing my part for the economy, I’m going to get a home owner’s equity line on my place in Ireland. Rates are incredibly low and it’s clearly in the interest of the American people that I get a 500% LTV non-recourse loan for my foreign property backed by the full faith & credit of Fannie!”

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  Attorney General Eric Holder - “This year I hope to devote more time to a pet project of mine: the deportation of all conservative & moderate white people. I’ve always felt strongly that they’re the root cause of the failure of the United States to realize its true potential. I think if we can just get them out of here while still being able to tax them, our country will be a much better place. I don’t know how much time I’ll be able to devote to this though. It’s going to be a VERY busy year working to suppress a variety of actions promulgated by those pesky white folk.”

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  Senator Mitch McConnell – “This year I will work tirelessly to allow those Americans concerned for the welfare & direction of our Country to be able to once again provide their financial support to the McConnell  Center for Political Leadership at the University of Kentucky in complete and total anonymity. Frankly the disclosure requirement has been detrimental to the shaping of our future leadership and needs to be abolished. So effective immediately, anyone who wants to support putting our country back on the right path should send CASH to my office on Capitol Hill. That’s McConnell, M-C-C-O-N-N-E-L-L. And remember, CASH….don’t send checks. Money orders are ok though.”

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  Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi – “Since I’m so capable and smart I think it would be a great idea if, in addition to my role as Speaker of the House, I took over running NASA! I mean, it’s not like its brain surgery or anything, right? I also think I should run the United Nations. And I think I should be in charge of a National Fashion Policy as I’m such a smart dresser. And I should ….Sorry?…..Um, no…..I don’t have a resolution per se….that’s Latin you know. I think it means ‘each say’..…so is ‘Quid Pro Quo’….we use THAT one a LOT in Congress. I think it means ‘Pay Day’. Isn’t that funny? Three Latin words equals two American words..….ummmm….what were we talking about?”

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  Federal Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke – “This may seem kind of a silly resolution but I plan on wearing brighter neck ties. All of this doom & gloom is so overdone. As the foremost expert on Economic Depression I can assure you we’re fine. I think now is a great time to stock-up on snazzy ties, what with all of the year-end sales underway. And of course the price of ties will likely be going up as we reestablish a positively sloped Consumer Price Index AND aggressively debase the currency to nearly zero. Charge it now, I say….haha!”

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  Congressman Charles Rangel – “I declare my intention to make additional good-will campaign contributions to the hard-working Democratic members of the House Ethics Committee. Their willingness to work with me towards positive outcomes is a quality that, frankly, we need more of here on the Hill and I will support them to the limits of my abilities. I’ve also been meaning to touch base with the Treasury Secretary on his experience with Turbo Tax. I’ve heard good things.”

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  Congresswoman Maxine Waters – “I resolve to continue to speak out and take direct action on those issues that are most important and directly affect in the most direct way the direction of the lives and livelihoods of those of my friends and family who continue to support, in a meaningful & tangible way, the wherewithal and relevancy of my ongoing candidacy. That and I want to nationalize the Oil Companies.”

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Resolutions from some recent D.C. departures:

  Former President George W. Bush – “Molecular Disassembly!” cryptically declares the former President.  “As a hobby to relieve stress, I mastered basic invisibility just before my term as President ended. However, although you can’t SEE me now when I’m invisible, my heat signature will still register on a thermal imaging device. So this year I resolve to accomplish total molecular disassembly. You won’t be able to find hide nor hair of me by midterms. I will be absolutely undetectable! I’ve been trying to interest Cheney in this. I think it would be a great hobby for him..…..”

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 Former Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson – “I’m freaking rich and making more hand-over-fist. I’m the BIGGEST of the BSDs on Wall Street after all of the havoc I wreaked at Treasury - Ruben was a PUSSY by comparison.  And I’ve got my book coming out: ‘On The Brink’. Sexy title, isn’t it? So on my promotional tour, I’m gonna make Tiger look like a pansy! Hehehehe. I’ve got a gross of little blue pills and I’m gonna pitch a tent with my throbbing thrill hammer in every city I have a signing……makes Peter tingle just thinking about it……Have to remember to get that number from Spitzer though…..”

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  Former TARP Czar Neel Kashkari  – “I feel like I’ve devoted my entire career to the service of others. While that is a truly noble pursuit and I commend others who, like me, put their fellow man before themselves, I feel like I need to devote a little time to ME to balance out all of the GIVING that I’ve been doing. Therefore, this year I’m going to take a little of my PIMCO signing bonus and get…..eyebrow extensions. I’ve always wanted a fuller eyebrow look – I’ve never really liked my eyebrows – and now I’m finally in a position to go for it! You know, John Bolton has some amazing eyebrows.You don’t always notice them until his glasses come off but then, WOW! I’ve always been a little envious. I mean mine won’t be grey but, you know, bushy….that’s what I want. REALLY, REALLY BUSHY! They’re gonna ROCK!”

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 Former Governor and Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin – “I resolve to make hay while the sun shines. I’m gonna strike while the iron is hot. I’m gonna get while the gettin’ is good. Never in my memory has someone with so little to offer had so much appeal to so many with so much. I’ve got to go. A bird in the hand, you know?”

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Well that wraps up our favorite resolutions for 2010. All of us here at Outside The (Cardboard) Box wish you all the best for the coming year.

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