December 16, 2009

Heat Rises In Copenhagen As Cap & Trade Deemed Too Inconvenient

Delegates Trade Caps Instead

(Tweetering on Spaceface from Dopenhagen)

An Outside The (Cardboard) Box Exclusive - Stymied by Emerging Nations’ insistence that they cede their entire economies to the Third World, Industrialized Nations are finding the Copenhagen Global Climate Framework ’too inconvenient’ to ratify. “While we can certainly appreciate their thinking on this serious issue, we think it’s a bit much for them to expect us to swap places with them, transfer the entirety of our industrial base and place our entire populations into squalor, just so their constituents can get the Dish Network Movie Bundle and more readily access Internet Porn” said one Western Delegate. As the rhetoric heats up, Western leaders are attempting to refocus the Climate Summit on activities upon which there is widespread agreement and provide universal appeal. As a result, ‘Cap & Trade’ has been cast out and ‘Trading Caps’ is blooming like a Red Tide.

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  ‘Trucker Caps’ are all the rage at this year’s Climate Summit.  Although similar to a baseball cap, the front section above the bill of a trucker cap is made of foam and proportionately taller. The caps often contain humorous sayings & graphics on the front.  Delegates to the Climate Summit have arrived prepared to Swap & Trade Caps amongst each other, with a number of Caps proving highly in demand and creating something of a frenzy even beyond Copenhagen.

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We’re # 1

  U.S. President Barack Obama, further demonstrating his massive global appeal, has the most popular Trucker Cap at the Climate Summit by a wide margin. The U.S. Delegation has been inundated with requests for his ‘Obama Is My HomeBoy!’ cap. “The Chinese are nuts for the Obama cap” confided a member of the U.S. negotiating team on condition of anonymity. “Granted we’re not going to get anything done on the Climate issue, but the folks back home should know that we’ve extracted agreements from the Chinese for them to purchase another couple trillion in Treasuries in exchange for  several shipping containers of the ‘HomeBoy’ cap. Ironically, the caps were made in China…..”

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Last Place

  At the opposite end of the spectrum, Prime Minister of the UAE and the Ruler of Dubai, Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum has one of the least popular Caps at this year’s Climate Summit. His Cap, ‘My Other Car Is A Camel’, is languishing in the Secondary Cap Market where reportedly thirty ‘Camel’ Caps are required to enter into a swap for  one ‘HomeBoy’ Cap.  “We clearly overestimated the Summit Delegates’ interest in Alternative Transport Initiatives” admitted a spokesman for the UAE team. “In hindsight, we should have gone with the first theme we considered for this year’s Climate Summit: ‘Desert Dwellers Are CRUDE!’. It’s a tough call to make before you’ve had a chance to take the temperature of the other delegates. Now that we’re here amidst all of the Limos and Cocktail Receptions, it just seems so obvious.”

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Where’s Al ?

  And where is former U.S. Vice President and Nobel Peace Prize Winner Al Gore in the Cap standings at this year’s Climate Summit? “Gore is somewhere in the middle” advised one Cap analyst. Speaking about Gore’s ‘Gettin’ Lucky In Kentucky!’ Cap, the analyst said “His cap is a little too provincial for the Global Climate jet-set. Most of them have no idea who or what Kentucky is. Frankly we were surprised that Gore missed so badly on this one. The demand for the cap has held up modestly solely due to the film & book deals. Otherwise he’d be on the bargain rack with the UAE, China and the Iranians.”

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Delegate Favorites

Mostly dominated by Western Industrialized submissions, here are some other popular Caps For Trade at this year’s Climate Summit:

Japan

  New Japanese Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama had a surprisingly strong showing in this year’s Climate Summit Cap rankings. His prominent standing effectively countered criticism of some early missteps in his fledgling government. Written in Kanji, Hatoyama’s offbeat (and soon to be iconic) Cap roughly translates to ‘Little Yellow Man Plus Little Blue Pill Equals Big Happy Time’ and includes a yellow stick figure with a massive erection.

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Italy

  Sometimes the old standbys still work, as proven by the surprising popularity of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s Cap: ‘Mustache Rides 5 cents’. That Mr. Berlusconi is clean shaven has not diminished demand for his Cap.

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United Kingdom

  Extremely popular for its ironic Climate Summit twist, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s Cap is titled ‘Greenies Are Weenies!’

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Not So Popular

And here are some of the less popular Caps For Trade at the Climate Summit:

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China

  ‘I Heart Coal &The Suppression of Tibet’

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Iran

  ‘God Is Great and You Suck Mongrel Dog Penis’

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Germany

‘I Will Stretch Your Undisciplined Behind  With My Schinkenwurst’

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Hidden Messages ?

And some Caps for Trade present an inscrutable message understood only by their sponsors:

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India

   ‘7-11’

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Greece

  ‘K-Y’

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Common Ground & The Climate Wins

  While interest in and a consensus for a Global Climate Change Mitigation Framework seems to be cooling, participants and other interested parties take some consolation from the great deal of common ground that has been attained at this year’s Summit. In fact, a project to develop a formal Cap Exchange and derivative market is already well underway. It is expected that users of Trucker Caps will be able to buy & sell Caps through a Central Counterparty as soon as 3rd Quarter 2010. This initiative alone should provide a collateral Climate Change benefit with net carbon emissions dramatically reduced as future Climate Summits are no longer required merely as a vehicle for Cap Swaps.

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Outside The (Cardboard) Box - We make it up, you decide.

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