December 7, 2009

Extreme Makeover: WaPo Edition

*Editors Note – Normally things are fairly relaxed here @ the Outside The (Cardboard) Box Global Headquarters Shed. However a recent piece in the Washington Post has staffers here as mad as hornets. As a result, today’s post contains an abundance of graphic & unseemly language. Further reflecting the currently high level of agitation here @ OTCB, there are no accompanying pictures, graphs, charts or other eye-candy of any kind. We apologize to our more sensitive readers (and those who just click-in for the pretty pictures) in advance and suggest that they forego this post.

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Washington Post Staff Writer Laura Blumenfeld (on WashingtonPost.com) provides Neel Kashkari (former Interim Assistant Secretary of the Treasury for Financial Stability) one of the most rousing journalistic hand jobs it has ever been our displeasure to witness (The $700 Billion Man). Before we commence our critique of the article, please feel free to read this fawning, repugnant piece of shit for yourself:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/12/04/AR2009120402016.html?g=0

And the photo gallery is NOT to be missed (Nausea will likely ensue):

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/gallery/2009/12/04/GA2009120402127.html?sid=ST2009120402037

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Ready? Fair warning, we have to take this practically line by line. First off, let’s recap the Kashkari CV (from Wikipedia):

“Prior to joining the Treasury Department, Kashkari was a Vice President at Goldman, Sachs & Co. in San Francisco, where he led Goldman’s Information Technology Security Investment Bankingpractice, advising public and private companies on mergers and acquisitions and financial transactions. Kashkari has a Bachelor’s and Master’s degree in engineering from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and an MBA in 2002 from the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania.Before enrolling in Wharton’s MBA program, Kashkari worked for the aerospace firm TRW, where, amongst other projects, he worked on the James Webb Space Telescope.”

“In July 2006, Kashkari was appointed as a special assistant to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. In the summer of 2008, he was appointed assistant secretary for international economics and was confirmed in that post by the U.S. Senate. On October 6, 2008, Paulson named Kashkari interim head of the new Office of Financial Stability. Overseen by the treasury secretary, he was in charge of creating and implementing the United States government’s $700 billion financial stabilization program. This was an interim appointment. The Obama transition team asked Kashkari to remain at Treasury after inauguration for a limited period to assist in the transition.”  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neel_Kashkari

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Goldman, huh? There’s a shocker. Now we’ve got nothing against Mr. Kashkari personally other than he, his Boss and their buddies gang-fucked every one of us in the ass. No….these things happen. What’s got us in a tizzy is WaPo’s inability to use words & phrases such as ‘ill advised’, ‘poorly conceived’, ‘stupid’, ‘robbery’ and ‘clusterfuck’ in their focus on Kashkari. It begins thusly…..

NEVADA COUNTY, CALIF. — He wears no coat though it’s freezing, shines no light though it’s near midnight, carries no shotgun though he’s tramping on the pine-needled tracks of black bears.

Grizzly-Fucking-Adams my ass. This guy is from Ohio and he lives in Tahoe by way of San Fran & D.C.…..WTF! And I suppose Liberace was a fucking Cage Fighter…..

He wants to be lost in these woods.

Then clearly he’s not trying hard enough given he’s in a National Forest…..If he fucks that up it’s no wonder TARP is such a shit pile.

He is walking through the smoke of a controlled burn in the Sierra Nevadas.

Oh, so now he’s a smokejumper……and Nathan Lane got wood @ the Victoria Secrets fashion show…..what fucking idiots….

The moon hits his stubble, which is six days old. And the sweater he hasn’t changed in three or four days. His BlackBerry — he can’t kick it — rang once today. A year ago in D.C., it buzzed every few seconds. All night, he’d roll over to its bluish glow. His Treasury Department assistant slept with hers, powered up, on her pillow.

Stubble?…..How fucking MANLY. And WEARING A SWEATER FOR 3 DAYS too. wow. I bet he wears the same coat for a week or two running….For fucks sake…. While we like the fact that nobody calls him anymore, the only really good tidbit here is his assistant is sleeping with her Blackberry….thank GOD for the vibrate function! Honey, if you’re reading this, you could have your pick of lonely guys here @ OTCB….just thought we’d mention it. We wear the same sweaters sometimes over & over….

"It’s like a dream," Kashkari says, his work boots crunching pine cones. "Sometimes I think: Was it real?"

Well it’s all too fucking real for the rest of us, you dildo. And we’d like to crunch YOUR pine cones with OUR work boots…..bastard…

It all began as it ended, abruptly. Kashkari was a 35-year-old business school graduate from a suburb of Akron, Ohio, who had gone to Washington in 2006 to learn how government worked.

He wanted to see how Government worked??!!  “Let’s see…I wonder what happens if I push the RED button…ooops.”  Next time, read the fucking manual you STUPID FUCK!

On May 1, after serving seven months under Presidents Bush and Obama, he resigned.

'Resigned'? Oh that’s rich! And Saddam was ‘Laid Off'…..hehehehe….And Saddam's updated resume says he was the 'Former Head' of Iraq…..HAHAHAHAHA…..what a dumbshit…

"Off the map," he told his friends. He threw away his business cards, and made a list of the (4) things he wanted to do: 1) Build a shed

Build a shed? Seriously? What a fucking overachiever……

He also wanted to…

2) chop wood

This to-do list is some seriously involved, complex shit. I guess that’s to be expected from an intellectual heavy-hitter like Kashkari…..BTW, anybody who heats with their own wood knows that you ‘cut’ wood with a saw and then you ‘split’ wood with an axe or a maul. Rarely do people ‘chop’ down trees anymore. But hey, when you get done with the Paul Bunyan shtick, we’ll get some shots of you driving a tank down to Harrah’s….stupid prick….

As all-consuming as 1 and 2 might seem, Kashkari had even MORE on his agenda. He also planned to….

3) lose 20 pounds

Severing a leg while fucking chopping some wood ought to get you to your weight goal you schmuck!

And if that wasn’t enough, another meticulously thought-out gameplan was to….

4) help with Hank’s book

OMG! I’m trying not to picture the helping….. Another meeting of the Paulson Swingset – Neel kneels in front of Hank, who is TALF’ing the girl with the Blackberry fetish, who is ‘Sexting’ with writer Blumenfeld, who is still ‘handling’ the journalistic ‘meat’ while interviewing Kashkari who of course now is completely unintelligible……the mind reels with all of the Swap & OTC possibilities!

Kashkari pivots between two thick, rough trunks. His shaved head, his broad-brush eyebrows, his blackest-brown eyes — all turn sharply. He opens his hands into the darkness: “This makes $700 billion seem small.”

<blaarrgggh> Sorry, I wretched…. Did I miss something? Wasn’t it midnight & fucking freezing? Blumenfeld didn’t mention a fucking flashlight. That’d be a pussy thing for Grizzly-Fucking-Adams to be carrying around……Supposedly he’s in complete darkness – can’t see a fucking thing – and we’re supposed to believe that complete darkness LOOKS BIGGER than the $700 billion he pissed away???? WTF! He must’ve had the binoculars backwards while at Treasury….what a dope….

The Friday evening he was named, he slumped over a bowl of chips in Bethesda with a childhood friend. He held his head in hands and said: “Dude, tell me something funny.”

Ok. We’ve got a joke for you Neel: Knock, Knock….”Who’s there?”…..$700 Billion…..”$700 Billion Who?”….That’s what we’d fucking like to know you fuck!

In Washington, he used his BlackBerry to determine the bailout sum presented to Congress.

At least it wasn’t a cocktail napkin…..Dude….for future reference…3 words: S U P E R   F U C K I N G  C O M P U T E R……this shit is fucking unbelievable…

Kashkari didn’t have anything to store in a shed but he knew, right then, that he needed to build it. I had to do something with my hands.

Yeah, we know. Ever since Blumenfeld showed up. Seriously, hook us up with the Blackberry babe and we’ll be your friend…..

It’s okay,” Kashkari says, his voice steady, the ladder shaky.

It’s important to have a steady voice when all around you is shaky…your performance, your boss’ voice, the economy……I’d rather have the steady voice too…..hell yeah.

Kashkari stares at the gap….His cinder eyes can singe, and at Treasury meetings he was careful not to shoot disapproving looks…. But now that there were no global monetary consequences to losing control, Kashkari smolders.

 <blaarrgggh> Sorry, I wretched again. I’m getting critically dehydrated from all this vomiting. “His cinder eyes can singe,…Kashkari smoulders”???? WTF…Blumenfeld is writing a fucking torrid romance……fuck me…..I can’t take much more.

Kashkari checks his BlackBerry…… Then he steps back, and considers the shed. It looks like a small, country church.

IT’S A FUCKING SHED! Ever been in a church? Show me a fucking church that will only fit a goat & a lawnmower and I might cut you some slack here…..stupid bimbo…

As a boy, Kashkari fell in love with Washington, watching the Iran-contra hearings.

That’s just creepy……what kind of kid gets his rocks tingling on Congressional hearings? Although Fawn Hall WAS kinda hot….

As Kashkari drove to Treasury, he coached himself, “Don’t try to score a touchdown. Just — if Paulson throws the ball, catch it.”

As we suspected…..Kashkari was Paulson’s ‘wide receiver’…..hehehe

Thoughts tended toward the apocalyptic. During midnight negotiations with congressional leaders, Paulson doubled over with dry heaves

I wonder if that was the result of Paulson reading a preview of this article. But through it all at least Neel still had a steady fucking voice….

"We were counting on each other," Kashkari recalls now at the Truckee gym. "The camaraderie." Veins knot at his temples. Sweat dots the skin between the hairs on his forearms. He does 20 reps of lower-back extensions.

Lower-back extensions….do you mean toe touches? What’s next, a private Pilates session? This shit is just ridiculous…..Jackie fucking Warner would kick his girlie-man ass back to Akron in a heartbeat….

His bag bulges with manuscript pages from “On the Brink.” It was Paulson who first brought Kashkari to D.C. in 2006, and it is Paulson who brings him back now for his first visit since he quit in May. Kashkari is helping with the final read-through of Paulson’s book.

“On The Brink” is the title of Paulson’s book?? Seems like “What’s That Stink” would be more fitting….

"That’s the thing," Kashkari blurts across the table. "I started praying when I came to Treasury. At Goldman, I didn’t pray….”

Uh-oh….Lloyd’s gonna be pissed…..

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As we rehydrate here @ OTCB, we hope our venting has not offended your sensibilities and apologize if it has. In our defense, we were temporarily blinded by anger at such revisionist used kitty litter. We’re better now…..the medication seems to be taking effect…..getting drowsy now…can…you…..see…yourself…..out…………zzzzzzzzzz

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