May 27, 2012

Strategery in Brussels


In perhaps the clearest signal yet that a dramatic change in the composition of the European Union may soon be afoot, word comes that Brussels is now broadcasting a bold, new communiqué to the rest of the globe: We Want You! (to join the European Union). Whether it is Greece, Spain or any other EU member nation who, when faced with the choice of default or austerity, may eventually choose sovereign default and an exit from the EU rather than embrace what some say are the draconian and counter-productive fiscal policies demanded of them, regional decision-makers are brainstorming spot-on strategies to counterbalance the potential economic and social shocks which may result.
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Jose Can You See?

“We do have some members who are struggling to remain on target with respect to what is required,” says Jose Manuel Barroso, President of The European Commission. “To proactively expand our member base is to de-facto mitigate any potential adverse impacts in the unlikely instance of a member who fails to honor the ever-evolving terms of their membership merely in deference to their citizenry’s wishes.”
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Stephen King’s ‘Christine’

“We are taking the lessons learned through this unification process, this grand experiment if you will,” says Christine Lagarde, Managing Director of the International Monetary Fund, “and adapting our responses from both the derived outcomes and the ever shifting political landscapes. In that way we have determined that the fiscal condition we have come to call ‘austerity’ is an insufficient cure by itself and that to truly succeed we will need growth as well. That is why we are embarking on our new program, Grow-Sterity.” And how will Brussels bring growth to shrinking GDPs, declining tax collections and soaring unemployment, all while tightening the proverbial fiscal belt? Your friends at Outside The (Cardboard) Box are glad you asked!
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Herman’s Hermits

“We are determined to strengthen our union through a policy of grow-sterity,” echoes President of the European Council Herman Van Rompuy. We will wage unbridled austerity on those members lacking sufficient fiscal discipline by usurping their national mandates to serve their own self interests, while embracing a much-enhanced definition of the term ‘Member State’ for the purpose of dynamic and multi-dimensional economic growth. No longer will physical proximity to what is essentially the abstract concept that is Europe be required for membership. Our union is a state of mind. We invite all who share our vision to join us for a better future.” And the future of the EU couldn’t be brighter if reports of advanced negotiations with all manner of member-candidates are true.
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The OTHER Korea

Leading the new-member pack is dark horse Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea. “These guys know austerity!” enthuses German Chancellor Angela Merkel. “Their labor costs are extremely competitive and there are no words in their language for ‘social safety net’. What’s not to like?” Kim Jong-un, North Korea’s First Chairman of the Defense Commission, First Secretary of the Workers Party and Supreme Commander of the Peoples Army said “They offered me a Sunbeam toaster oven and an unlimited supply of farm animal porn, so count me in!”
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L. Ron Hubbard-ites

In another indication of the fresh new thinking emanating from Brussels in support of grow-sterity, the candidacy of the Church of Scientology should put all on notice that the tired, old disputes & disagreements of the past are history. “The Pope won’t return our phone calls but these Scientology guys are the future anyways,” says Catherine Ashton, High Representative of the Union for Foreign Affairs and Security Policy. “Seriously, they like OWN Clearwater Beach, Florida which I’ve always wanted to visit, and they do an amazing job of indoctrination on their members, which is something we can definitely learn from. And they’re like all about aliens, which is a whole ‘nother growth opportunity for the EU!”
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I Come From A Land Down Under

Ironically, EU envoys received anything BUT a chilly reception during their recent membership run to Antarctica. “It turns out that there aren’t actually any countries there so we’re in a race to annex the entire continent before someone else gets it done,” says Mario Draghi, President of the European Central Bank. “After all, treaties are MEANT to be fluid, dynamic, living, breathing, uh, changeable things….At least as long as it suits us.”
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How Kimo-sabe?

Less warm to the notion of EU Membership was the Boise Forte Band of Chippewa situated in Minnesota’s northeast Arrowhead region. “We’ve got a casino, a golf course and a marina on a big lake. What’s the EU going to offer us?” queried the local Tribal Chairman. “We’ve got bingo fer-krise-sake!” he adds.
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Faceplant

In another aggressive move, the EU is offering member-nation status to Facebook impresario Mark Zuckerberg. “We wanted to get ahead of the curve on this one,” said Nicolas Sarkozy, former President of France. “After Eduardo Saverin renounced his U.S. citizenship to avoid tax liability from the Facebook IPO we realized a whole subset of previously untapped prospective EU members exist. These guys can put the ‘grow’ in grow-sterity.”
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Sodomistan

“For a brief moment this looked really, really promising,” says former IMF Managing Director Dominique Strauss Kahn. “It was plausible. Seriously. It happens. A break-away republic in Eastern Europe looking to tie-in with the EU? Sodomistan sounds like a real place. I mean, who can keep up with all the shenanigans over there? They rise & fall like, um, something or other. All the time. Anyways, it turns out this was just a prank by that guy from Borat. I was going to be the Special Envoy, maybe even the Secretary of Foreign Affairs….although they nixed my proposal for Minister of Forced Copulation. I don’t know why. We’re doin’ it to the Irish and the Greeks and a whole bunch of others after all….”
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As events continue to unfold in Europe, your Outside The (Cardboard) Box News Team will stay on this story like stink on shit to keep you up to date with the latest breaking news!
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OTCB: We make it up, you decide!

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