Dating Guide For The Economically Depressed
As long as there have been couples, couples have been breaking up. The Modern Economic Depression is witness to a dramatic increase in these disassemblies as financial stress heaps further pressure upon the usual fractionations in relationships. If you have recently fallen victim to these forces, forces beyond your control, we offer you our exceedingly special selection of dating tips to get you back into a significant other’s saddle. This Dating Guide For The Economically Depressed is an ever-evolving, always expanding compendium of our collective experiences in being penniless & lonely.
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Money, Money, Money
It’s been said & sung that ‘money can’t buy you love’, but certainly money can be an indispensible aid in getting you the initial hook-up. Regrettably, the Economically Depressed don’t have the wherewithal to shell out much for grooming products & services and/or to exploit the traditional ‘fishing grounds’ of bars, restaurants, concerts & the like. Therefore, making the most of what you have to work with, as well as having a sound game plan (such as identifying free, public settings where you might meet your future ‘special someone’), is key to getting you back on the road to Funky Town. Finding your soul mate is an arduous process under the best of circumstances. The Modern Economic Depression compounds that difficulty many fold. But don’t be discouraged. Merely redouble your efforts and be deliberate in your approach and you will be singing duets again before you know it.
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Grooming For A Positive 1st Impression
First things first – you need to spif yourself up. Good personal hygiene is an absolute must when reentering the dating game. After you get to know someone you can better gauge their tolerance for your preferred level of personal filth. Until then, you will be freshly scrubbed, have your teeth (tooth) brushed and are dressed in your least-soiled clothes at all times.
Depending on your living situation, washing-up can be a challenge. However everyone should be able to access one or more of these for washing-up: private bathroom; shared bathroom; public restroom; outdoor spigot; large puddle. A little soap & water and you’ve just made tremendous strides towards your goal of snaring a snuggle-bunny.
If you are unable to procur a shampoo & conditioner treatment for your hair. at the very least, your hair should be neat, combed and devoid of food and/or debris.
Good dental hygiene is important in making a positive first impression. Brush (or soak) your teeth (tooth). Although gargling does take your oral hygiene to a higher level, do NOT use automotive antifreeze in lieu of Listerine.
Using deodorant helps keep you smelling fresher for longer periods. If conventional deodorant is not available, automobile air-freshener ‘pine trees’ under each arm should do the trick.
Oftentimes we become desensitized to our own foot odor. If you are unsure if your feet emit a stench, a little kitty litter in your shoes will mitigate any possibility of ‘stink foot’. *NOTE - You will want to minimize walking whenever you are deploying foot litter.
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Location, Location, Location – Where to Meet the Meat
Now properly groomed for success in love, where & when to meet that special someone is the quandary. Our ideas may surprise you!
Saturday night is traditionally ‘couples night’. Ergo, if someone is alone on a Saturday night they are likely unattached. Saturday night hot-spots for the Economically Depressed Single:
· Dumpsters
· Soup kitchen/Shelter
· Commercial Recycling Center
*NOTE - It is not recommended that you approach a prospect loitering on a street corner as they are more likely to be engaged in some sort of commercial activity and not inclined to interact merely on a social basis.
As unemployment continues to rise, weekdays increasingly provide the Economically Depressed Single with opportunities to meet that special someone with an activist bent:
· Anti-Tax Protests
· Anti-Spend Protests
· Other Protests
Certain organizations can also be fertile bottomlands optimized for the planting of your Love Crop. Try working your magic at either of these:
· PETA
· ACORN
Solid Openers – Breaking The Ice With Panache
You now find yourself in a Hot Prospecting Spot. You’ve got your eyes on a likely someone. How do you make your first foray into this strange, new territory? Boldly walking up, pointing at your lip and declaring “It’s only a cold sore” is not the way to go. Generally, we discourage declarations of any kind. Rather, we might rework the previous example to a question: “Does my cold sore look awful?” In that way, you’ve qualified that the weeping blister on your lip isn’t life threatening while demonstrating that you’re a self-deprecating, rather charming sort. Here are a few other suggestions for ice breakers:
· Topical – “Do you agree that criminalizing the transmission of HIV is blatant Legislative overreach?”
· Whimsical – “Do you like the multi-colored, musical bats flying around my head?”
· Compliment – “I LOVE what you’ve done with that giant Trash Bag! It looks ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC on you! Do you think you could make me one just like that?”
· Tell a joke – “Knock-knock” (replies “Who’s there?) “Foreclosure!” (replies “Foreclosure Who?”) and then you laugh because nobody is there to answer the door because they’ve been kicked out of their house by the bank……AAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Good To GO!
That wraps up this installment of our Dating Guide For The Economically Depressed. We’ve brought you as far as we can. The rest is up to you. Remember to just be yourself, albeit a clean, not-crazy version of yourself, and you will be well on your way to Soul Mate City!
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