Egyptian Spring 2012
I was sorely tempted to take down my last essay. It wasn’t funny and to me just came across as pissy which, I’m sorry to say, pretty aptly describes me these days. The financial crisis that started me writing a satirical blog a few years ago has continued unabated, effectively unaddressed, entirely unresolved and, in my opinion, been dramatically exacerbated. The MF Global thing was merely the latest ice pick in my eye. The stench at the highest levels is overpowering. Thusly burdened, I’ve struggled to stay amused and, thereby, amusing.
We had such a nice warm spell in March. I actually went ice fishing wearing shorts and a t-shirt – it was 78 degrees! That gave me a lift to the extent I briefly toyed with the notion of promoting (satirically speaking of course) a new reality show starring the pregnant Nicole Polizzi (aka Snooki ) titled “My Little Retard”, which would follow the ups & downs in the daily life of a young, single mother struggling to maintain a club hopping lifestyle while saddled with a child suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome back at the ranch. But this was just too depressing to contemplate. And then it freaking snowed a foot. Ugh. Total buzz-kill.
And then I was inundated with headlines & pics about Kanye & Kardashian, uh, dating. OMG. Projectile vomiting IS a normal reaction in this situation. Please. Go. Away.
So it was with welcome relief that I saw the recent headline: “Man Mistakes Girlfriend for Hog, Shoots Her”. Having established that the victim would survive the unfortunate hunting accident, I was free to chortle over the obvious snide queries: “Was it her coarse, bristly coat or her feral tusks that caused the mistake?” Or perhaps the more intrusive “Does she squeal with delight during intimacy?” But alas my amusement was quickly beaten down by the latest grimness emitted from the eurozone. It was small consolation that the snow had melted.
But you can’t keep a good man down for long and here come the Egyptians to boost me out of my slump with their latest legislative initiative: Sex After Death. Given that the parliamentary debate centers on legalization of the practice of Egyptian men having sex with their dead wives, I think it’s a safe bet this is pretty widespread over there. Those little cadaver-fuckers are a hoot! If you ever thought “we’re all alike in God’s eyes,” this should be a helluva wake-up call for you, you dreamy moron. From a legislative standpoint, a comparable topic in the U.S. might be the use of pot. Although it’s not legal, lots of people do it and it’s fairly widely accepted. Extending the analogy, I suppose that Egyptian mortuaries are like medical marijuana dispensaries, albeit with significantly more refrigeration. Suffice to say, things are very different, radically different even, between our, um, allied societies.
To briefly opine on this legislation, I think it’s terribly unfair that it only pertains to female corpses. It would seem to me that the widows could get significantly more use out of a stiff spouse. And the whole afterlife disparity in that culture is really unfortunate. The guys die and get 70 virgins in heaven for eternity while the girls only get banged by their husbands until they’re too decomposed to put out. No foreplay. Not even dinner & drinks. It’s not right. I think they should start an Occupy The Crypt! Al Jizeera will report on the uprising…..
- sigh - I’m sorry. It didn’t work. I’m still pissed. We are so fucked.