Outside The (Cardboard) Box
May 27
Strategery in Brussels
In perhaps the clearest signal yet that a dramatic change in the composition of the European Union may soon be afoot, word comes that Brussels is now broadcasting a bold, new communiqué to the rest of the globe: We Want You! (to join the European Union). Whether it is Greece, Spain or any other EU member nation who, when faced with the choice of default or austerity, may eventually choose sovereign default and an exit from the EU rather than embrace what some say are the draconian and counter-productive fiscal policies demanded of them, regional decision-makers are brainstorming spot-on strategies to counterbalance the potential economic and social shocks which may result.
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May 03
Levi Johnston’s Favorite Baby Names
Always one to go off half-cocked, Levi Johnston (aka Snooki of the North) announced with galpal Sunny Oglesby they would be naming their baby daughter after firearms manufacture Beretta. The money quote from impending mom Sunny during their interview on Inside Edition: “We were out at the cabin for like, four days, and forgot the birth control.” The resulting spawn is to be named Breeze Beretta. Your friends at Outside The (Cardboard) Box have briefly choked back our rising bile long enough to bring you Levi Johnston’s Top Ten Favorite Baby Names!
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Blind Chinese Dissident Seeks To Leave Country
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Breaking News
Blind Chinese dissident Chen Guangcheng has expressed his desire to leave China but can’t find the door. Exacerbating his frustration, Guangcheng keeps bumping into furniture he claims has recently been rearranged. Concerned for his welfare after repeated falls over a particular ottoman, Chinese officials have tied him to a chair for his own safety.
Related Link
Late Breaking Update: U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton suggests Guangcheng turn on the lights in his apartment to help navigate the furnishings. More as it becomes available.
OTCB: We make it up, you decide!
Apr 27
Egyptian Spring 2012
I was sorely tempted to take down my last essay. It wasn’t funny and to me just came across as pissy which, I’m sorry to say, pretty aptly describes me these days. The financial crisis that started me writing a satirical blog a few years ago has continued unabated, effectively unaddressed, entirely unresolved and, in my opinion, been dramatically exacerbated. The MF Global thing was merely the latest ice pick in my eye. The stench at the highest levels is overpowering. Thusly burdened, I’ve struggled to stay amused and, thereby, amusing.
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Mar 02
Hard Times
“Look how we live, an’ wheer we live, an’ in what numbers, an’ by what chances, an’ wi’ what sameness; and look how the mills is awlus a-goin’, and how they never works us no nigher to onny distant object-‘ceptin awlus Death. Look how you considers of us, and writes of us, and talks of us, and goes up wi’ your deputations to Secretaries o’State ‘bout us, and how yo are awlus right, and how we are awlus wrong, and never had’n no reason in us sin ever we were born. Look how this ha’ growen an’ growen sir, bigger an’ bigger, broader an’ broader, harder an’ harder, fro year to year, fro generation unto generation. Who can look on’t sir, and fairly tell a man ‘tis not a muddle?” Charles Dickens, “Hard Times”
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Max Abelson’s exploration of the hard times facing the lower rungs of our Financial Overclass is nothing short of revelatory. The article posted on the Bloomberg website February 29th can be read in its entirety here. The OTCB team was frankly surprised to learn of the ongoing struggle and hardship being endured by these frugal, contributing members of our society. Some details brought to light in the Abelson column we found particularly noteworthy:
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Dec 13
Holiday Blockbuster Preview
Just in time for the holidays comes this raucous animated romp based loosely on a 1970 release from Walt Disney Studios and the financial panics of the 1800s. The TechnoCats follows the madcap adventures of a group of financial oligarchs as they lay waste to the European economic landscape.
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Nov 30
Horsemeat Datapoint Confirms Economy on Upswing
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(OTCB News) As if the booming stock market is not enough confirmation that “Happy Days Are Here Again”, multiple news outlets are reporting that the economy is SO good that horsemeat will soon be as common on U.S. dining tables as cowhide and tripe: Horsemeat Back On The Menu
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Nov 28
Top 10 List of What Might Be Next For Barney Frank
The Honorable Barney Frank, Democratic Congressman from Massachusetts’ 4th District since 1981, has announced he will not seek reelection. A former chairman of the influential House Financial Services Committee, Frank will likely find ample career opportunities as he starts the next chapter in his life. While many of his former Congressional colleagues who have preceded him in the transition from Public to Private Sector can provide all manner of suggestions and contacts for Representative Frank, your friends at OTCB thought we might toss-in our two cents to insure he not overlook that ‘perfect fit’ by mistake. Here then is the Outside The (Cardboard) Box Top 10 List of What Might Be Next For Barney Frank.
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Nov 27
Supercommittee Reorients For Success
Washington, D.C. – As their budget cutting duties are winding down with the recently announced and widely anticipated stalemate, sources close to the process are reporting that the Congressional Supercommittee is in advanced negotiations with a large investment management company, possibly Black Rock, to form a new investment vehicle directly managed by the Supercommittee itself. Tentatively named the Supercommittee High Yield Terran Equity Fund (SHYTE Fund), the fund structure would allow its Supercommittee managers to invest in any global asset or asset class where a Supercommittee member/member of Congress/SHYTE Fund investment manager has the ability to directly influence the performance of the asset or asset class through legislative action, or has privileged access to information regarding a particular asset or asset class that would constitute an iron-clad trading advantage.
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Aug 04
Congress Seeks Final Extension Of Unemployment Benefits
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An Exclusive Cardboard Business News Company News Brief
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A Hard Row To Hoe
With midterm elections looming, those unfortunate Members of Congress forced to seek their constituents’ support at the ballot box find themselves confronted with the dual burdens of declining public approval and a rapidly deteriorating economic environment. Ever-attentive to the home crowd come election time however, voters’ concerns are being heard loud & clear in Washington, D.C. : “Show me the money!” Hard at work delivering a final extension of unemployment benefits, that’s just what these homeward bound candidates intend to do.
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Aug 03
Ruh Roh!
Sorry to be the bearer of more bad news. And this is really bad.
B A D…..as in…….THIS*IS*NOT*FREAKING*GOOD …..or even….OH*SHIT*WE’RE*ALL*GONNA*DIE* !
I think you’ll admit, that’s pretty bad
Check out the latest post over at OTCB Sibling Blog The Looming Doom:
Apocalypse How?
You SHOULD worry!
Jul 29
The Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed
Only recently made aware that the growing problem of our fellow citizens still growing is now considered a matter of National Security, the Editors of Outside The (Cardboard) Box have stepped to the fore of the National dialogue (championed by First Lady Michelle Obama through her Fat Kids Program) to say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. We therefore state unreservedly:
You’re too fat and there oughta be a law!
Our leaders in Washington have determined those thighs of yours are a criminal offense! Since we can’t yet legislate your fat ass away, OTCB has assembled the best and brightest from our Global Headquarters Shed to pour over every iota of available research in order to develop the Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed.
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Jun 08
BP Grasping At Strings
Struggling to halt the gargantuan flow of crude oil from the seabed of the Gulf of Mexico, BP CEO Tony Hayward took time out from his demanding schedule to discuss with Outside The (Cardboard) Box the effect the environmental disaster has had on his life, BP’s plans for the future and his inspiration for BP’s latest approach to stemming the flow.
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May 15
The Bully Pulpit Saves The World
A Cardboard Business News Company (CBNC) Exclusive
As the dust settles on the latest flurry of worldwide financial gerrymandering, details are starting to emerge on the eleventh-hour machinations required to save the global financial system from yet another of these seemingly never-ending black pits of despair.
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Mar 20
Buffett Admits BN Purchase Was “Brain Fart”
Family granted power of attorney following episodes of bizarre behavior.
OTCB News Brief
The business world was rocked this weekend after learning billionaire investor Warren Buffett has been quoted describing Berkshire Hathaway’s (BRK) recent purchase of Burlington Northern Santa Fe Railroad (BN) as a ‘brain fart’. Berkshire paid $34 billion to acquire the outstanding shares of BN they did not already own.
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