January 16, 2014

Edward Snowden, Asshole

There has been an inordinate amount of hand-wringing over revelations of massive NSA surveillance programs intruding into the private lives of innocent Americans. As the furor subsides, on media hiatus while the Polar Vortex reigns, it’s time to take a step back and consider the bigger picture.

Edward Snowden snagged the richest treasure trove of classified intel ever. He got away clean. Then he GIVES it all away and is now stuck in Russia. Russia? What kind of a guy fleeing prosecution from the Feds hunkers down in Russia? The only location that might have been worse is some shithole like Somalia, hanging-out with destitute pirates & warlords. Bad weather, bad food, bad economy, Russia’s got ‘em all. Hey Ed, THAT was an asshole move.

The folks Snowden gave his shit to are RAKING money in with nary a care that some Agency spooks are sneaking into THEIR bedrooms and smothering them with a Hefty bag. They’re JOURNALISTS after all, not WHISTLEBLOWERS. It’s ok if they print this stuff. They’re protected.

Edward Snowden on the other hand, well, suffice to say there are those in the U.S. Security Apparatus who would like to see ‘ol Ed swimming with the fishes. And I think it’s reasonable to assume that their views on this are unlikely to change. Ever. Fukashima will be an organic herb farm before those motherfuckers will concede that Snowden’s actions did not irreparably harm U.S. interests – U.S. interests apparently being fucking over U.S. citizens.

So really Ed, why no financial perks, eh? Is it because you’re an asshole? You’re screwed either way so the non-asshole approach would have been to accept some minor 8 digit compensation for your hardships.

Along those lines, Greenwald & Poitras – the principal JOURNALISTS now holding the bulk of the aforementioned treasure trove - were recently backed by a billionaire to,uh, DEVELOP said treasure trove. And everyone knows that billionaires are inherently civic-minded and philanthropic and LACK ulterior motive, whatever that might mean. The common good and all that shit…..

Anyways, since our whistleblower (and that term definitely SOUNDS like ‘asshole’) opened our eyes to these issues, numerous analysts & commentators smarter than me (granted, not a particularly exclusive set) have identified what sure sounds like extensive and ongoing criminal and unconstitutional conduct by our Spy Agencies and their Executives. Yet Ed is the one with the outstanding warrants, facing a possible death sentence and stuck in a frigid shithole without an income. The obvious deficiencies in his planning totally scream ‘asshole’,

I don’t want to belabor the point. I think Ed should have brought sharper elbows to this affair and done a better job of looking out for Number 1. What has been actually accomplished? So far a committee that was formed told us we might be getting fucked. Then a Federal Judge actually ruled that the constitutionality of these programs can’t be legally challenged because we’re not supposed to fucking know they exist. The upshot? Ed is completely fucked – AND stuck in Russia. The material difference his actions have made is that we’re no longer completely in the dark. Now we KNOW we’re fucked. I suppose I should be grateful for that. Thanks asshole….

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May 27, 2012

Strategery in Brussels


In perhaps the clearest signal yet that a dramatic change in the composition of the European Union may soon be afoot, word comes that Brussels is now broadcasting a bold, new communiqué to the rest of the globe: We Want You! (to join the European Union). Whether it is Greece, Spain or any other EU member nation who, when faced with the choice of default or austerity, may eventually choose sovereign default and an exit from the EU rather than embrace what some say are the draconian and counter-productive fiscal policies demanded of them, regional decision-makers are brainstorming spot-on strategies to counterbalance the potential economic and social shocks which may result.

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May 3, 2012

Levi Johnston’s Favorite Baby Names

Always one to go off half-cocked, Levi Johnston (aka Snooki of the North) announced with galpal Sunny Oglesby they would be naming their baby daughter after firearms manufacture Beretta. The money quote from impending mom Sunny during their interview on Inside Edition: “We were out at the cabin for like, four days, and forgot the birth control.” The resulting spawn is to be named Breeze Beretta. Your friends at Outside The (Cardboard) Box have briefly choked back our rising bile long enough to bring you Levi Johnston’s Top Ten Favorite Baby Names!

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Blind Chinese Dissident Seeks To Leave Country


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Breaking News
Blind Chinese dissident Chen Guangcheng has expressed his desire to leave China but can’t find the door. Exacerbating his frustration, Guangcheng keeps bumping into furniture he claims has recently been rearranged. Concerned for his welfare after repeated falls over a particular ottoman, Chinese officials have tied him to a chair for his own safety.

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Late Breaking Update: U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton suggests Guangcheng turn on the lights in his apartment to help navigate the furnishings. More as it becomes available.

OTCB: We make it up, you decide!

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April 27, 2012

Egyptian Spring 2012

I was sorely tempted to take down my last essay. It wasn’t funny and to me just came across as pissy which, I’m sorry to say, pretty aptly describes me these days. The financial crisis that started me writing a satirical blog a few years ago has continued unabated, effectively unaddressed, entirely unresolved and, in my opinion, been dramatically exacerbated. The MF Global thing was merely the latest ice pick in my eye. The stench at the highest levels is overpowering. Thusly burdened, I’ve struggled to stay amused and, thereby, amusing.

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March 2, 2012

Hard Times

“Look how we live, an’ wheer we live, an’ in what numbers, an’ by what chances, an’ wi’ what sameness; and look how the mills is awlus a-goin’, and how they never works us no nigher to onny distant object-‘ceptin awlus Death. Look how you considers of us, and writes of us, and talks of us, and goes up wi’ your deputations to Secretaries o’State ‘bout us, and how yo are awlus right, and how we are awlus wrong, and never had’n no reason in us sin ever we were born. Look how this ha’ growen an’ growen sir, bigger an’ bigger, broader an’ broader, harder an’ harder, fro year to year, fro generation unto generation. Who can look on’t sir, and fairly tell a man ‘tis not a muddle?” Charles Dickens, “Hard Times”
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Max Abelson’s exploration of the hard times facing the lower rungs of our Financial Overclass is nothing short of revelatory. The article posted on the Bloomberg website February 29th can be read in its entirety here. The OTCB team was frankly surprised to learn of the ongoing struggle and hardship being endured by these frugal, contributing members of our society. Some details brought to light in the Abelson column we found particularly noteworthy:

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December 13, 2011

Holiday Blockbuster Preview

Just in time for the holidays comes this raucous animated romp based loosely on a 1970 release from Walt Disney Studios and the financial panics of the 1800s. The TechnoCats follows the madcap adventures of a group of financial oligarchs as they lay waste to the European economic landscape.

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November 30, 2011

Horsemeat Datapoint Confirms Economy on Upswing


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(OTCB News) As if the booming stock market is not enough confirmation that “Happy Days Are Here Again”, multiple news outlets are reporting that the economy is SO good that horsemeat will soon be as common on U.S. dining tables as cowhide and tripe: Horsemeat Back On The Menu
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November 28, 2011

Top 10 List of What Might Be Next For Barney Frank

The Honorable Barney Frank, Democratic Congressman from Massachusetts’ 4th District since 1981, has announced he will not seek reelection. A former chairman of the influential House Financial Services Committee, Frank will likely find ample career opportunities as he starts the next chapter in his life. While many of his former Congressional colleagues who have preceded him in the transition from Public to Private Sector can provide all manner of suggestions and contacts for Representative Frank, your friends at OTCB thought we might toss-in our two cents to insure he not overlook that ‘perfect fit’ by mistake. Here then is the Outside The (Cardboard) Box Top 10 List of What Might Be Next For Barney Frank.

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November 27, 2011

Supercommittee Reorients For Success

Washington, D.C. – As their budget cutting duties are winding down with the recently announced and widely anticipated stalemate, sources close to the process are reporting that the Congressional Supercommittee is in advanced negotiations with a large investment management company, possibly Black Rock, to form a new investment vehicle directly managed by the Supercommittee itself. Tentatively named the Supercommittee High Yield Terran Equity Fund (SHYTE Fund), the fund structure would allow its Supercommittee managers to invest in any global asset or asset class where a Supercommittee member/member of Congress/SHYTE Fund investment manager has the ability to directly influence the performance of the asset or asset class through legislative action, or has privileged access to information regarding a particular asset or asset class that would constitute an iron-clad trading advantage.

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August 4, 2010

Congress Seeks Final Extension Of Unemployment Benefits


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An Exclusive Cardboard Business News Company News Brief
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A Hard Row To Hoe
With midterm elections looming, those unfortunate Members of Congress forced to seek their constituents’ support at the ballot box find themselves confronted with the dual burdens of declining public approval and a rapidly deteriorating economic environment. Ever-attentive to the home crowd come election time however, voters’ concerns are being heard loud & clear in Washington, D.C. : “Show me the money!” Hard at work delivering a final extension of unemployment benefits, that’s just what these homeward bound candidates intend to do.

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August 3, 2010

Ruh Roh!


Sorry to be the bearer of more bad news. And this is really bad.

B A D…..as in…….THIS*IS*NOT*FREAKING*GOOD …..or even….OH*SHIT*WE’RE*ALL*GONNA*DIE* !

I think you’ll admit, that’s pretty bad

Check out the latest post over at OTCB Sibling Blog The Looming Doom:

Apocalypse How?

You SHOULD worry!

July 29, 2010

The Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed

Only recently made aware that the growing problem of our fellow citizens still growing is now considered a matter of National Security, the Editors of Outside The (Cardboard) Box have stepped to the fore of the National dialogue (championed by First Lady Michelle Obama through her Fat Kids Program) to say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. We therefore state unreservedly:

You’re too fat and there oughta be a law!

Our leaders in Washington have determined those thighs of yours are a criminal offense! Since we can’t yet legislate your fat ass away, OTCB has assembled the best and brightest from our Global Headquarters Shed to pour over every iota of available research in order to develop the Ultimate Weight-Loss Program for The Economically Depressed.

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June 8, 2010

BP Grasping At Strings

Struggling to halt the gargantuan flow of crude oil from the seabed of the Gulf of Mexico, BP CEO Tony Hayward took time out from his demanding schedule to discuss with Outside The (Cardboard) Box the effect the environmental disaster has had on his life, BP’s plans for the future and his inspiration for BP’s latest approach to stemming the flow.

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May 15, 2010

The Bully Pulpit Saves The World


A Cardboard Business News Company (CBNC) Exclusive
As the dust settles on the latest flurry of worldwide financial gerrymandering, details are starting to emerge on the eleventh-hour machinations required to save the global financial system from yet another of these seemingly never-ending black pits of despair.

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